You Came Through So Low Key
by burningbroadripple
Summary: Five times Otabek withheld his feelings from Yuri. (And one time he didn't have to.) The high school AU no one asked for.
1. Chapter 1

Hello YOI fam. So there is no shortage of amazing canon Otayuri fics out there, and I know nothing about ice skating outside of the show. Also the friends to lovers troupe is my weakness, and I think Yuri and Otabek need some time to get there.

As a result, this is a neighbors/best friends/falling in love over time/modern day American high school AU in 5+1 style.

* * *

Otabek is 9 when he moves into the same apartment building as 7 year old Yuri

1.

There's a flurry of black and white as the other children run about the room, scurrying to their places on the bar. It's Otabek's first day in class, and he doesn't know where he's supposed to stand, let alone how to make his legs turn out the way the other boys' do once he gets there. The instructor, Ms. Lilia, is stern and unsmiling. Her only instruction is a sharp gesture as she points to a spot on the bar near the front, right beside a small blonde boy who appears to be a couple years younger than him. "Yuri," the boy beside him stiffens, turning his attention to the instructor at the front of the class, "This is Otabek. He just moved in across the hall from us, and his mother has asked that he join us. I'd like you to help him if he has questions. Understood?"

The small boy nods back, face pulled tight. "Da." Otabek turns to say hello, but stops short when the boy glares back at him too intensely, bright green eyes cutting through him. His breath catches in his throat and he forgets what he was going to say. Instead he just stands there staring, jaw hung open gaping like a fish out of water. The boy quickly loses his patience, finally snapping at him. "What are you looking at?"

The question pulls him out of his trance and he quickly turns away embarrassed - he'd never seen such a fierceness come from someone so young.

 _'He has the eyes of a soldier.'_

The rest of the class goes by in a blur - Ms. Lilia is constantly shouting commands at the other dancers, their movements changing instantly to place a foot here, lift a leg there, drape an arm just so in response. He does his best, following the blonde boy before him, too scared to ask questions or interrupt his practice. Yuri's expression never wavers - each time he moves his face into view, his eyes are sharp, lips straight, brow furrowed in concentration. It's obvious by the end that this boy is more talented than the others, and he watches with wonder, fascinated by how someone could move so gracefully, yet be so strong.

Otabek leaves immediately when the class is dismissed, doing his best to get his bag and slip out quickly. His plan is thwarted however, when he sees his mother waiting in the front room. She sits patiently, smile never leaving her face even when she sees the clear signs of distress on the young boy's face. "How was it?"

The boy pulls his shoes on, stuffing the slippers into his bag carelessly in haste. "It was embarrassing. I'm not good at this, and the other kids are so talented. Can we go?"

Her smile falters then - Otabek has always been a polite boy and the outburst is uncharacteristic of him. "Don't be rude Beka, Ms. Lilia offered to let you join them so you could make new friends. You don't have to go again if you really didn't enjoy it, but at least thank her properly."

He sighs, frustrated by his own lack of abilities, but not wanting to be inconsiderate either. It had been kind of Ms. Lilia to invite him - moving to San Francisco had been good for his Mother and sisters, but the 9 year old missed his friends back in Almaty greatly. Moving in late spring had only made matters worse - school hadn't started yet, and there weren't many children in the small building they'd found an apartment in. When Lilia had noticed him and his mother bringing in groceries last week, the women had struck up a conversation while he continued on with the task. His mother had mentioned his love of music and lack of social interaction, so Lilia invited him to join her junior boys' ballet class. He wasn't particularly interested in dancing, but he agreed, desperately wanting to meet new friends.

Otabek rarely acted in a way that left him feeling guilty, but his behavior had done just that. It was one thing, disappointing himself, but disappointing his family, his friends, his mother - that was much more painful experience, and he did everything he could to avoid it. On the occasion he let himself give in to his anger or frustration, he'd hear his mother's words echo in his mind _'We must always been kind'_ and feel instantly ashamed. He shook his head in reproach, dark inky strands falling across his face. His anger had dissipated, and he held only fondness for the woman before him and the love she had passed on to him. "Sorry. Let's go back."

When they return back into the studio, the other kids have all left, leaving Yuri stretching by himself in the back as Lilia moves about collecting props.

"Ah, Symbat, how nice to see you. Otabek worked very hard today." Her stern formality is still there, but she's softened now that the class is dismissed.

"Thank you for having me Ms. Lilia. I did my best, but the others make it look so easy. Your son in particular is very good. I could never move like he does. I don't think I'm cut right for ballet." He does his best to be gracious, but he wants to make it clear the experience had not been one he wishes to repeat. Lilia picks up on the subtle message, appreciating his honesty.

"Ah, well Yuri is a special case. He's practically grown up in this studio - in part because he's always shown talent, but also because he needs somewhere to go when his mother gets her treatments done. I'm actually his aunt - he stays with me and my father part time. I'm sure he'd be glad to have a friend in the building."

Otabek smiles at her, but he doesn't get his hopes up. He doesn't think the other boy would want to be his, or anyone else's, friend. He's too serious, too focused, too solitary. He doesn't tell her that though, deciding instead to stay mute.

"Well thank you again Lilia, we'll see you and Yuri soon I'm sure." They women share a few more pleasantries before he and his mother leave. True to her word, his mother doesn't make him go back to the studio, but she does encourage him to go over and play with Yuri.

* * *

Despite Otabek's best efforts to visit, Yuri isn't home with Lilia and Nikolai much the rest of the summer. He sees the boy come and go with them from time to time, and he always wears the same stony expression. After the fourth failed attempt at a play date, Otabek resigns himself to staying in alone and reading to pass the time. When school finally starts up in the fall things get better - he meets a few other kids his age and likes most of them. He still doesn't find a best friend to replace the ones he left in Almaty, but Emil is friendly and Leo's a nice guy too. The rest of their friends are a bit odd, but he's happy to be at a school with lots of other international students so he accepts their strange customs in hopes they accept his as well. That JJ kid gets under his skin but he just shrugs it off.

He doesn't see Yuri much until December, when he comes to stay full time with Lilia. He starts at the same school as Otabek, and the brunette offers to walk together for Yuri's first day. Otabek wants to ask the boy how his mother is doing, how he got to be so good at ballet. He wants to ask him why he wears his hear long and why all his clothes have cats or leopard spots on them. Mostly, he just wants to get to know the other boy who seems so serious and strong and sad. He knows he was sad when his dad passed away and they had to leave every thing they knew behind to start over here. He thinks that maybe if he tells the other boy about his own sadness, he'll open up to him about his.

They leave the building together without so much as a hello. There's a soft crunch as they trudge through the wet dirt and leaves that have built up on the sidewalks. Cars pass by, honking in greeting and frustration and impatience. There are a few others milling about: the corner grocer sweeping the walk to his store, a homeless man pushing a shopping cart, a few young professionals walking to catch Muni. Otabek notices every sound, every smell, every movement about him - the silence between them is deafening, and he welcomes the distractions. When they're alone again and still have another half mile to walk, he decides the tension is too much and blurts out he first thing that comes to his mind. "Where did you move from?"

Yuri stops for a moment and gives one of his trademark glares. When the question finally registers in his head, his answer is short and leaves no invitation for a follow up. "I lived in the Tenderloin with my Mom. She's in hospice now, so I'm here." He looks back down and continues walking.

Otabek can tell from the boys demeanor that asking about her illness is a bad idea, and after catching up, he diverts the conversation to something safer. "Ms. Lilia is nice, so is Mr. Nikolai."

The blond scoffs, still looking down at his feet as they walk. "It's better than a boys home."

Otabek hadn't really thought about that - when his father passed, he still had his mother. If Yuri ended up with his aunt, it must have meant his father wasn't around. He knew about losing a parent, but not about being an orphan. Still, he could relate to having your life turned upside down and moving to a new place. "It's hard to leave your friends at your old school, but most of the kids at this one are nice."

A exasperated sigh leaves the blonde's mouth. He still refuses to look up, and the response he mumbles back is barely audible. "I didn't have any friends to leave." _And I don't need any new ones._ Yuri doesn't say the second part, but Otabek hears it anyway. From that day forward, they spend the walk to school together in silence.

* * *

It's March when he finally makes a break through. Otabek has just gotten back to the apartment building when he notices Yuri and another boy his age standing out front. The blonde looks irritated, but it's hard to tell if he is since that's how he always looks. A few steps later he comes into earshot, stopping immediately when they boy asks Yuri "Why do you pretend to be a girl?"

Otabek quickly realizes that the blonde is very angry - he can see his shoulders are tense and drawn up even beneath the black hoodie. "I'm not pretending to be shit, idiot. I'm obviously a boy."

The boy seems unfazed, and continues the line of questioning as he moves closer towards Yuri, backing him against he old brick wall. "Well you have long hair like a girl. And you dance like a girl. And you're pretty like a girl. And I uh, I like you like you, so you _must_ be a girl."

Otabek is confused by the boy's statement, the schoolyard phrasing lost on him. _'He like-likes Yuri?'_

Yuri, on the other hand, seems to understand perfectly. If he was mad before, he's furious now. "What? That's gross and stupid. Leave me alone."

The smaller boy spits the words out, a biting tone behind them. Otabek is observant - he can see that behind the tough exterior, the blonde is upset and fearful. The other boy has him cornered and is much bigger. He doesn't want to embarrass Yuri - he knows he's strong and independent - but he also doesn't want things to escalate further. Yuri will be angry about it, but he has to do what he thinks is right.

Otabek walks closer, standing between Yuri and the other boy. "He said to leave him alone."

He's glad to be two years older - the kid is big for his age but obviously outranked. He sulks and turns tail, clearly frustrated by the intrusion to their conversation.

When the brunette looks back at Yuri he's still angry, but there's a softness there now that wasn't before, and his eyes can't hide the relief that pours from them. "I could have handled him - it wouldn't have been the first jerk I had to tell off with my fist."

Otabek just smiles and turns to leave, hoping that giving the boy space will keep the delicate peace between them. To his surprise, Yuri reaches out, grabbing him by the sleeve. "Wait! Why did you do that? You almost never try to talk to me."

The question catches Otabek off guard - Yuri had made it _very_ clear he didn't want to be Otabek's friend. He'd just picked up on the other boy's cues and left it alone.

"I didn't think you wanted me to." It's honest, and at this point he doesn't see the point in lying.

"Well I didn't then. You stared at me like I was a freak in ballet." Yuri's voice is quiet - he's vulnerable in a way Otabek has never seen him before.

Otabek wants to tell him that he'd taken his breath away - that he was so captivated by him the first day they met he'd forgotten his own name. He wants to tell him how he admires that he's so silent and strong even though his mom is sick. He wants to tell him that it's okay he's sad, because he was sad too but having friends makes it a little bit easier. He wants to say all of that, but he doesn't. Instead he tells him a different truth.

"I'm sorry. That day in ballet you were just so good, and I was so bad. I didn't think you'd want to be friends with a klutz like me."

Yuri's shoulders relax, and a smile creeps across his face. "You were pretty bad."

He looks up at the older boy and laughs at the frown directed back at him. "That's okay though, so are most people. Lilia says ballet runs in the family, so I probably wouldn't be as good if I hadn't been born a Plisetsky."

He can still be a bit rude, but the brunette is glad to see this other side of Yuri. He still doesn't know everything about the boy, and it will probably take a while for him to open up more, but you've got to start somewhere. "Do you want to be my friend Yuri?"

The smaller boy blushes, looking down at his feet like he always does when he's uncomfortable. When he looks up though, his smile is back, and there's a sparkle in his eyes that's never been there before. "Okay."


	2. Chapter 2

Yuri is 10 when his world changes.

2.

Symbat walks in one sweltering July afternoon to find Otabek and Yuri locked in the bathroom. At first she thinks they might be using the tub as a pool again, but when she places her ear to the door it's clear they're whisper yelling, concern in both of their voices. These two have gotten into plenty of trouble together in this very bathroom over the past few years - like the time they died Yuri's hair purple, or the time they pierced Beka's lip - and she's sure this is going to be no different. After dropping off her bag and taking a few deep breaths to mentally prepare herself for whatever chaos lies behind the locked door, she knocks three deliberate strikes before calling out. "Otabek. You will open this door immediately."

There's scrambling on the other side, but Otabek opens the door quickly. The tub is half full, soap bubbles barely contained within the ceramic shell. Yuri is curled into the corner beside it, clutching a towel in his arms. Overall the scene looks pretty innocent other than some water splashed around, and she starts to feel bad for over reacting. Then again, the door was locked, and Otabek looks _awfully_ guilty..

A faint meow comes from the bundle in Yuri's arms, and he reluctantly opens them just enough for her to see the cat inside. Before she can ask any questions, Otabek is kneeling at her feet begging.

"Ma, please. She's hurt and we couldn't just leave her out there in the heat she was going to die! And Lilia would never have let a dirty stray in their house, so we tried to give her a bath but she won't stop fighting us and I just want to help her."

She looks between the two searching for any signs of lying but finds none. She doesn't say anything, just takes a seat on the closed toilet lid and reaches out to Yuri for the animal. He hands it over after she reassures him she just wants to take a look. The cat isn't in great shape - yellow teeth, a nick taken out of one ear - but overall she just looks dirty and dehydrated. When she lifts her up to get a look at her paws, the reality of the situation hits her.

"Oh my. Boys, I'm going to get her cleaned up. Why don't you two go get a box and some towels and make her a nice big bed. It needs to be big enough for our friend here and her babies."

The two share a look of confusion, but it's Otabek that finally asks. "What babies?"

She lifts the cat gently showing her stomach to the boys. "She's pregnant - see, here, how her belly is swollen?"

"I just thought she was fat!" There's a smile a mile wide on Yuri's face, only over shadowed by the one plastered across Otabek's.

"Not fat, pregnant. She's probably going to give birth very soon. Let's do our best to get her cleaned up and somewhere safe and warm so she can do that."

The bed they make isn't great looking - the box is a bit torn and covered in Natural Ice logos, and the towels are old and ratty - but it's soft and warm and they didn't have much to work with other than what they found in the recycling bin, so they're pretty pleased when the cat curls up in it immediately.

* * *

Otabek wakes up to the sounds of activity a few days later - his mother and sisters are crowded around the cat's box. "Beka look, she had the kittens!" Aiday tells him, while Regina helps their mother corral them back towards the exhausted mother cat. The first thing Otabek wants to do is bring Yuri over to see. He runs out the door and down the hall, the same path he's taken countless times before. When he gets to the door he knocks his usual tune, but there's no response. He waits and knocks a few more times before giving up and heading back. When he walks in without his constant companion, a brief flash of worry passes his mothers face. "Yuri isn't home? That's odd, but maybe he and Lilia went to the studio early."

It's possible, but Otabek isn't convinced. "Yeah, but Mr. Nikolai is always home." Symbat does her best to reassure him, but he's got a good point. All three of them being gone so early in the morning is unusual. "I'm sure they'll be back soon." He does his best to hide his disappointment, and goes back to watching the new family with his sister's. They spend the better part of the day fawning over the mom - now named Greta - and her small liter of three kittens. It's late that night when he hears Yuri return. He runs out the door to meet them in the hall, but stops quickly when he sees their faces - something is _terribly_ wrong.

Nikolai's warmth is missing, and for the first time he looks his age, frail and unsteady. Lilia, usually the picture of beauty and grace, has no makeup on and her outfit is too casual - just jeans and a light sweater. But it's Yuri that convinces him - he's pale, too pale, and his eyes are muddled and dull like a swamp instead of the vibrant green they should be. He looks stoic, lips too tight, brow furrowed. That stone mask - the one Otabek had worked so hard to break past - is back, firmly rooted in place.

He ducks back into his own home before they can see him. It isn't until he's standing in front of his mother he realizes he's trembling. He can't form the words he wants, but she understands enough to get "Yuri" and "wrong" out of him. Symbat makes her way over a bit later, and returns with the news that Yuri's mom had passed away that night. He wants to go over immediately to comfort Yuri, but his mother insists he wait and let the family grieve in private.

"Remember when your father passed? Your friends all wanted to come over and see you, but you didn't want to talk to anyone. Give Yuri that same respect - he'll come over when he's ready." She means well, but Otabek is convinced she's wrong about this one because no one knows Yuri like he does. Sure, Otabek had wanted solitude - he was in complete shock at the turn of events that had left him without a father, and he needed the time to come to terms. When he finally accepted things though, he was ready to accept the compassion and comfort of his friends with an open heart. But Yuri's situation is different, and more importantly than that, Yuri is different. Yuri's already accepted the fact his mom is terminally ill - he's said his goodbyes more than once over the few years they've been friends, each time a false alarm but none the less difficult. He probably wants comfort right now, but he's stubborn and independent and will shy away from anything he deems as showing weakness. He'll hide behind that mask he wears and pretend to be okay, but Otabek knows he won't be. He'll shut down, hide away inside himself, push everyone away instead of admitting he really wants to be supported. Otabek decides to give him space, knowing he'll have to be the one to go to him eventually if he wants his friend back.

* * *

Two weeks pass and Otabek has barely seen Yuri - every day apart he feels their friendship slip through his fingers a little more. He did his best to wait like his mother had told him to, but Yuri never came. Today, after the funeral, he's going force him to come out of his shell and talk to him, even if it leads to a fight. He knocked the walls down once - it can't be that hard to do it again.

He sees Yuri standing beside Lilia - face sullen and serious, black suit hanging from his small frame. How he manages to keep that same stony expression plastered across his face is a mystery to Otabek, who had cried through his own father's entire funeral. A tall, silver haired man is standing on her other side, arm wrapped protectively around her shoulders. He assumes it's her son Victor that Yuri sometimes complains about. Nikolai is there as well, a gentle hand on Yuri's shoulder, whispering words of encouragement. "Strength, Yuratchka."

The service is short - they aren't religious - and before he knows it he's eating lunch with his mom and sisters in a banquet hall attached to the funeral home. When he notices a puff of blonde hair slipping out the door to the cemetery, he takes his cue and follows. There are hundreds of gravestones out here: some just simple flat stone carved with a name, others mini mausoleums covered in granite and flowers and ornate carvings. He thinks back to his father's grave and the small stone piece he'd carved himself to designate it - they'd barely been able to afford the burial, let alone anything more elaborate. It makes him mad to think that there are people with entire crypts to themselves when his own father is lying in an unmarked plot. Life is unfair, even when you're dead.

He finally spots Yuri on the other side of the lawn and sits beside him on the hard stone bench. "I'm sorry about your mom Yura. I know how you feel." It's the first time he's ever mentioned his own loss to his friend, and he hopes it bridges the riff that's formed between them.

Yuri scoffs, anger swimming in his eyes at the audacity of someone suggesting they know how he feels. Hell, he doesn't even know how he feels. "What do you mean you know how I feel? You still have your Mom!"

It's a bit harsher reaction than he'd expected, but it's also entirely his fault for never telling his best friend his dad died just months before they met. "Well yeah, I wasn't much younger than you when my Dad passed away. I know it's not the same, but-"

"Your dad died?" He's interrupted immediately by the blonde who looks confused as well now, but mostly still angry. Otabek thinks he sees his betrayal reflected in Yuri's eyes.

"Yes. That's why we moved here, to be closer to mom's family so she'd have help with me and the twins." He looks away, too fearful to make eye contact. It's cathartic in a way, getting the secret off his chest, but he's starting to think it may have been an ill timed confession.

There's a few heartbeats of silence before the smaller boy speaks again. There's still anger there, but it's giving way to something else. "I thought... why the hell didn't you ever tell me that?"

Otabek shrugs, still looking anywhere but at Yuri. "You never asked." Which is true, but not necessarily the whole reason, so he elaborates a bit. "It's just, whenever dads came up you got angry, so I just left it."

"Well yeah, because mine didn't stay to meet me! He left us! I just assumed yours did the same." Oh. Otabek hadn't really considered the fact that Yuri thought they had their abandonment in common. Maybe that had been a crucial reason for him letting the brunette in in the first place.

"He did leave us." His voice cracks a bit when he says it, because it's not something he admits to many others, but he wants the younger boy to know he felt abandoned too.

"Idiot, that's different!" There's no bite to his words now, just a deeply rooted sadness. "So what happened?"

It probably wasn't tactful to ask, but he knew Yuri's mom had cancer, so it was fair. "An accident - he was on a bus and it crashed. No survivors."

Yuri is quiet then, taking a moment to let all of this new information sink in. He seems to realize something and manages to look even worse than he had before. "So you didn't even get to say goodbye?"

Oh. Right. Otabek hadn't really thought about it much, one day his dad was there and the next he was gone. He's never considered how it would have been if there was a grace period, a time where he could say goodbye and accept the news slowly, before he was gone. It would have been better that way, he thinks. "No."

"I'm sorry Beks. I shouldn't have said you didn't understand. You're probably the only one who does understand." Otabek lifts his gaze then, finally ready to meet Yuri's. The mask is still there, but it's crumbling at the edges and his eyes are shining through. He knows they'll be okay eventually.

* * *

Otabek is standing in Yuri's living room that night when he hears the blonde screaming at someone from his room.

"You're my cousin not my brother, so stop acting like it. You never even come home to visit unless it's Christmas." He's standing beside his bed, a cat plushy dangerously clutched in one hand, a pillow already thrown at the intruder.

Victor just smiles from his place in the doorway, ready to dodge the next attack. "I go to school in Detroit Yuri, it's really quite far from here."

"Whatever. You promised last time you came home that you'd come with me and Lilia to the studio but you never did. You were supposed to choreograph something fun for me!" Otabek remember's that day - Yuri had been so frustrated by the classical pieces that Lilia kept forcing on him, and Victor had promised to give him something jazzy to perform. He'd left back to school before following through, and Yuri had been in a quiet rage for weeks after.

'Sorry Yurio, I can be a bit forgetful some times." He sounds genuine to Otabek, but it's not a great apology.

"Can it old man, I don't want to hear any more. Just go back to Detroit." He's shoved out of the room then, and the door slams in his face. When Victor turns to find Otabek waiting patiently he offers a smile and a wave before heading down to his own room. There's a quiet knock and Yuri pulls the door open, prepared to scream at Victor. He stops seconds before hurling the leopard print shoe clutched in his hand when he finds Otabek there instead.

"Hi Yuri. Can I come in?" The brunette shuffles from foot to foot, not sure if this is too much too soon.

"Course stupid, you don't have to ask." Otabek closes the door behind him, and gently places down the small box in his hands. Yuri looks more closely at it now, noticing the small circles cut into the sides. He's about to ask what it is when Otabek reaches in and pulls out a small white and gray kitten. He sits beside Yuri on his bed and holds her out towards him. The blonde just stares at the tiny animal in Otabek's hands, too overwhelmed to make any movements. "Greta had her kittens. This one is the runt, but she's the smartest and the fastest. She's not big enough to be away from Greta for too long, but in a few weeks she will be and I thought, well if you like her, that she could be yours."

Yuri stares at the animal in disbelief, uncertainty marring his features. "Ms. Lilia and Mr. Nikolai already agreed. I didn't want to get your hopes up just to have them say no." It's enough to displace his fears, and he finally takes the animal and snuggles it into his own arms gently. "What about Greta and the others?"

"Well she only had three, and Ma agreed we could keep her ourselves. Mr. Yakov downstairs agreed to take the other two kittens, so they'll all still live in the same building!" Otabek can't keep the excitement from his voice - he's proud that he found a way to keep the small family together, even if they can't all stay in one apartment. He's sure Yuri will tell him he's embarrassing for the next thing he wants to say, but it's important, and he can't back down now. "I know it won't bring your mom back, but my Grandma always said that souls pass on from one body to the next. And I thought, since she was born the day your mom passed and she reminded me so much of you, that maybe part of your mom's soul ended up in her."

Whatever bravery Yuri had mustered up before is gone in that moment, and for the first time in three years he cries in front of Otabek. He cries for the father he never knew, the mother that was taken for him. He cries for the tiny little life carefully clutched against his chest and for the Aunt and Grandpa that always treated him like their own. He cries for his stupid older cousin that never thinks of anyone but themselves. He cries for his first friend - his best friend - because he had felt some of this pain once too and Yuri hates the idea of anything bad ever happening to someone as kind as Otabek. Neither is sure when, but they both fall asleep on Yuri's bed that night, the kitten curled up between them. He finally leaves to go home the next morning, but Yuri only grabs his sleeve and silently asks him to stay.

"I need a shower, and I have to bring the kitten back to Greta. I'll come back over later with food and games okay?" True to his word, the brunette returns a few hours later, clean and offering sweet cakes. Yuri isn't in as good of shape - he hasn't moved from his spot all day, and the food Lilia left is half eaten at best. Otabek suggests they have a Harry Potter marathon and the blonde reluctantly agrees.

It goes like that for the rest of the summer - Otabek barely leaves Yuri's side for more than a few hours. He stays over so often that Nikolai springs for a trundle bed to keep Otabek from having to share Yuri's small one. Eventually Yuri starts to show interest in other things, even agreeing to return to the studio with Lilia some days. Their sleep overs lessen, but they buy walkie talkies and stay up too late most nights chatting back and forth over them. By the end of summer, Otabek realizes that the friends he had in Almaty were great, and so are his classmates, but Yuri is _special_. They can spend hours together doing nothing but playing video games (or cheating at video games, if you're Yuri) or watching cat videos or listening to music. He isn't sure if there's a word for how he feels about Yuri, but he know's he's the most precious thing in his life. He thinks Yuri feels the same way, but he never voices it - it's too delicate, and he's afraid giving it a name will ruin things. Instead he shows it when he brings over Yuri's favorite treats or when he wakes him up from a nightmare and lets him cry in his shoulder. Maybe one day he'll find the words.


	3. Chapter 3

Yuri and Mila are in 8th grade when he has a realization.

*They go to one of those weird Junior High/High School combination schools because that is what my plot requires as Otabek is in 10th grade. So that puts the 8th graders at 14 and the 10th graders at 16.

* * *

3.

"Can you believe this shit ? They won't let me do it! They said that Rocky Horror is inappropriate source material and that cross dressing is strictly prohibited from the Extravaganza which is so fucking dumb because who gives a shit if I'm a guy and want to wear heals and a corset. I just love the song, and he's so confident and bad ass in that scene - I just want to do a performance like that." Yuri slams his lunch tray down beside the redhead, a deep scowl across his face.

"Well yeah babe, that's because you're super gay." The girl takes another bite of her pizza, expression completely neutral like she hadn't just suggested something so controversial.*

Yuri was caught halfway between shock and anger. "What did you just say hag?"

Mila gazed over at him, a small smile across her face. "Oh come on Yuri, it's not like it's a surprise." She waved her hand in a dismissive manner, clearly unfazed by the discussion, and continued eating her lunch. After a few moments of silence, she looked back up again, only to find a very confused looking Yuri sitting beside her. Realization quickly spread across her face and she placed a hand gently on the boy's shoulder. "Oh my god Yura... you really didn't realize that you were sexually attracted to men before this moment? Hun, I've known you were gay since I met you in elementary school." That last comment seemed to shake him from his thoughts, and his trademark scowl immediately returned to its place on his face.

"No shit Mila." He shrugged her off then, more aggressively than he meant to. If she hadn't looked so genuinely worried, he would have left the conversation at that. Instead he did his best to put his jumbled thoughts into a coherent sentence. "Well I mean, well yeah fuck I knew I thought guys were attractive or whatever, but I wasn't sure... I mean, I thought maybe it was just an _aesthetic_ thing, an appreciation of a good looking person. It wasn't like I saw a hot guy and immediately thought "I want him inside of me.""

Mila's jaw fell open, it was the lewdest thing she'd ever heard the smaller boy say. "Yuri language!"

He was still a mess of emotions, but the more he mulled it over, the more he realized that he was most likely gay. Women were pretty, but he didn't want to hold them or kiss them or touch them the way he knew he was _supposed_ to. He hadn't had that many urges towards men either, but he'd definitely felt _something_ the first time Rocky came on screen in those tight gold shorts. _'Yeah, I'm definitely gay.'_

He offered Mila a small smile- she'd always been the more perceptive of the two of them. "It definitely explains some things..."

The conversation stopped abruptly when they noticed another tray being set down across from them, Otabek joining them, concern clearly marking his face.  
"What's wrong Yuri, you look like you've seen a ghost?" He stared at Yuri, chocolate eyes misted over. It was the first time Yuri had noticed just how beautiful those eyes were. As he looked over his friend's face, he noticed other things too - the sharpness of his jaw, the way his hair was always swept back in a way that managed to be both messy and put together. He noticed the thin lips and wondered how soft they were. The combination of his newfound understanding of his own emotions and the implications of suddenly seeing his best friend in a new light were too overwhelming, and he was at a loss for words. So instead of explaining things calmly, he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"I like guys. Sexually." The confession was followed by a quiet gasp and a not-so-quiet crash. When the blonde looked up, he saw Otabek sitting before him, face a bright pink, his fork forgotten where it had landed on the floor.

The taller boy cleared his throat, and whispered out a response. "Oh, cool."

Yuri looked away again, embarrassed by his choice of phrasing. "Yeah, Mila just told me." Otabek listened intently as he recapped their previous conversation, not trusting himself to speak. When the blonde was done, he looked at his untouched lunch, thoughts still swimming in his head. "I guess I was the last to know."

Otabek just nodded silently, but he knew Yuri was wrong - Otabek had _clearly_ been the last to know.

He had to admit that he agreed with the school - having Yuri dance to Sweet Transvestite in a corset and heals would undoubtedly be quite the sight, but not one that was appropriate for a talent show. He didn't tell Yuri that, choosing instead to sit by his side and listen silently to the onslaught of colorful insults leave his best friend's mouth. "What are you going to do instead?"

Yuri sighed, clearly still disappointed by the decision. "I don't know, probably nothing. I'm so sick of only getting to perform classical pieces. Lilia doesn't even let me do modern ones for fun. She says it's too distracting and will ruin my form. I just thought this would be my chance to dance the way I want to for once. So what's the point in participating if it isn't something I want to do?"

Otabek offered a smile in understanding, and the conversation ended there. It took a week for him to form a plan to get Yuri back in the show. He met with the drama teacher and the principal in secret at lunch one day. He left satisfied, having convinced them to let Yuri perform The Time Warp instead as long as he got a few others to do it with him and everyone agreed to wear suits instead of lingerie. It wasn't Yuri's original vision, but when Otabek showed up with a gold sequence suit for him to wear instead of a boring black one and even volunteered to be a backup dancer, the blonde agreed immediately.

* * *

It isn't until a few months later, when they're at dress rehearsal the night before opening that Yuri brings it back up again. "I told Lilia and Grandpa last night."

Otabek looks back at him, a single eyebrow raised. Yuri was impulsive, but he wasn't usually irresponsible. "You didn't tell them you were performing in this until two nights before opening? Were they able to get tickets?"

The smaller boy is confused at first, but quickly realizes he's been misunderstood. "Oh, no I told them about this a while ago. But last night I told them the scene we were doing specifically, and how it wasn't the original one I wanted to do. Then I told them I was gay." He sounds wistful, and even a bit sad. Otabek silently scolds himself for not catching on sooner. He knows Yuri's family is very progressive, but the blonde's demeanor suggested things had gone badly. "What did they say?"

Yuri just laughed, a quiet short chuckle. "Nothing. I mean they both smiled and said the usual platitudes of "That's great!" and "We support you!" but they acted like I had just told them I was going to the mall or something. They acted like it wasn't the least bit surprising. I really was the last to know..."

Otabek doesn't say anything in response because there isn't anything that needs to be said. He's grateful that Yuri doesn't ask him when he realized Yuri was gay, because then he'd have to explain that he had in fact been the last to know, and that the confession had turned his world upside down. He's grateful, because he didn't have to admit that he'd always known Yuri was special to him, but he hadn't allowed himself to consider it as anything other than a close friendship until lunch that day. He's grateful, because he didn't have to explain that it had been the single consuming thought running through his mind for the last few months. He's especially grateful that they don't bring it up again.

The Opening Night performance is a hit, and the auditorium jumps to their feet in applause. Yuri's never felt so alive as he does on stage that night, the center of attention. He knew he loved dancing, but performing something he got to create, well that had never happened before and it left him shaken. If he hadn't been so caught up in his own joy, he might have noticed the deep blush on Otabek's face when he first came out of the dressing room or the way his eyes glazed over, pupils blown wide as he watched Yuri from the other side of the stage during his solo. It isn't until he's been back stage for a few minutes that he finally comes down from his euphoria. He looks around backstage for the other boy, but finds himself alone instead. Yuri finally finds him just before going back up for the ending bow, but by then Otabek's usual disinterested expression is planted back across his face.**

* * *

I couldn't get Extra Yuri dressed at Frank-N-Furter out of my mind - I just think like, he would, you know?

*Benji, on the off chance you ever read this then I'm sorry for using that time I had to tell you you were gay in a fic but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

**Years later, they would find the DVD and watch the performance together for a good laugh. Otabek will be too focused on how bad he is compared to the others and how captivating Yuri is to notice the look on Yuri's face beside him. It's the first time Yuri gets to see what Otabek looks like when he watches Yuri dance, and he can't believe how long it took him to figure it out.


	4. Chapter 4

Yuri goes to his first High School dance. Otabek is not his date.

Brace yourselves, choppy waters ahead.

* * *

4.

It isn't often that they come over to Otabek's place - it's smaller than the others, and his mom and sisters are usually nosy - but he's got it to himself for the weekend for the first time in months and they're well overdue for a guys night. It's a small group – the usual three suspects and JJ who overheard them discussing plans at lunch and decided he wanted to tag along as well. If Otabek were less tactful, he would have made it clear that JJ was in fact not invited, but ultimately let it go with a shrug and a nod after the other teen promised to buy dinner. Leo was able to get a twelve pack from his dad – the cheap, domestic kind - but beer is beer when you're 17 and Emil and JJ chipped in for pizza as promised. Otabek had just finished setting up super smash when a loud knock came from the front door. The brunet is sure it can't be his family - they're supposed to be visiting their relatives in the valley until Sunday night. When he pulls the door open, the blonde is the last person he expects to be staring back at him. Yuri's dressed in his typical lounge wear – his favorite purple hoodie on over a black tiger head t shirt and an over sized pair of black sweatpants Otabek is pretty sure are his. He's lounging against the door frame, bun flopping over from one side of his head to the other as he leans to look past Otabek, taking in the group of teens before him.

It isn't that Yuri wasn't invited - Yuri's his best friend, even if he's a few grades younger - but he had a performance early the next morning and Lilia would castrate the both of them if she knew he was staying up, eating junk food and drinking beer. "Yuri, what are you doing here? It's almost 10, don't you have to be up at 5 tomorrow? Lilia said-" but before Otabek can finish the thought, Yuri is pushing past him, walking into the apartment like he lives there which, to be fair, he kind of does.

"It's been moved to Sunday - the storm flooded the auditorium last night, so they need another day to get it all fixed up. Which means my house arrest has been lifted and I am allowed to join your guy fest." Emil tosses Yuri a beer when he comes into view and flops out across the couch, nodding to Leo in greeting. He's never met JJ before, and given the few times Otabek has mentioned him, he's surprised to see him in his friend's home. A quick glance at Otabek is enough to silently ask "what's he doing here?" but Otabek just shrugs in response - it wouldn't be the first time he'd joined in without a direct invitation. If Otabek – the kindest person in the world as far as Yuri's concerned - can't get along with him, the blonde is pretty sure he's going to have a problem too.

Otabek joins Yuri on the couch, the blonde lifting his legs automatically before placing them back down over the other's lap. The other three are on the floor, mashing buttons between bites of pizza and cursing their respective mothers whenever one of them dies. Yuri isn't bad, but these guys are pros - he's thrown off the castle three times before anyone else loses a single life. Before he can completely fail he hands the remote to Otabek. The brunette just cocks an eyebrow in response before taking the controller and wreaking havoc on the other players. He still loses, but given the deficit he started with, a second place ending is commendable. The night continues much the same until there's no more food, the beer is gone, and Otabek has reclaimed his rightful title as the King of Super Smash. They haven't had much to drink - Yuri in particular after Otabek makes him promise to limit it to one beer – but they're all still feeling a slight buzz at this point. One minute they're making fun of Emil's goatee and the next they're mocking Leo as he giggles at the messages on his phone.

Emil makes a grab for the phone, but Leo is able to quickly dodge him. "Come on dude, what's so great that you're ignoring your bros?" Leo looks down sheepishly, a blush across his cheeks. "Sorry, it's just I asked Sarah to the dance last week and she just said yes!"

JJ gives a low whistle, patting the other boy on the back. "Dang, she's in the running for Homecoming Queen isn't she? Well done sir, you have my respects." Leo's smile manages to get even bigger at the compliment. "Are you guys going?"

Emil makes a noncommittal grunt - JJ and Otabek remain silent. He turns to the newest addition to the group, realizing he's at their school now too. "What about you Yuri, you're a freshman right? It's your first one. Are you coming?"

The blonde scoffs, dances are for losers and kids trying to find a way to sneak out and have sex. Or at least that's what he's been trying to convince himself since the chances of him finding a date are worse than being struck by lightening - twice. "There's not exactly a line of openly gay guys at our school fighting to take me. Not that I need to be asked mind you. But it's pretty lame to go alone, especially since there won't be a lot of options of dance partners when I get there."

Emil laughs, rolling onto his back on the floor beside Leo. "What the hell man, I thought gay guys had a pass to dance with all the straight chicks. If anything, you're the only one in the room who won't get shot down."

Yuri laughs as well, enjoying the idea of steeling away the girls from their dates, shamelessly showing up the other boys in his grade with his dancing skills. "Well yeah I guess, Mila said we could go as friends and shit but it seems kind of pointless."

There's a silence after that, each boy pondering his own situation. Leo is about to ask who they've all asked when JJ turns the night on its head with a single comment.

"Has anyone ever told you you're hot? Like, really hot?" He's sitting on the ground next to Yuri, staring up at him like he's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. It's the first thing JJ has said directly to Yuri the entire night, or ever for that matter, and the blonde is convinced he heard wrong. "Huh?"

Instead of explaining, he plows forward, smug grin plastered across his face. "Well you are. Any guy would be lucky to take you to the dance." Yuri's been hit on before, but it's always been a cruel joke, and he doubts this is any different. As soon as he shows any reciprocal interest JJ will shout "No Homo!" and laugh in his face. One look at Otabek and Yuri knows he has the same thought. His fists are clenched, his jaw squeezed shut tightly. If JJ had the audacity to come into Otabek's home and make his gay best friend the butt of a stupid joke then he deserved whatever silent rage was filling the Khasak teen at that minute.

JJ doesn't pick up on the growing tension, focused solely on the boy in front of him. "So, am I going to get lucky?" Yuri's jaw drops open in response to JJ's boldness, and he barely has a chance to shut it before spitting out a scandalized response. "The fuck did you just say?"

The tension in the room is palpable at this point – Emil and Leo know Otabek well enough to see he's on the verge of one of his very rare but very terrifying outbursts. They've slowly scooted away from the couch with Yuri and Otabek perched on top of it, placing as much distance between themselves and the scene unfolding before them as possible. The only person in the room who doesn't seem phased by the situation is JJ, who remains on the floor next to Yuri, casually leaning against the arm of the couch. "I'm asking if you want to go to the dance with me Yuri."

It certainly sounds honest – even Otabek has to admit – but his guard isn't going to drop that easily. Yuri on the other hand looks much less angry now and even a bit happy. After all, JJ isn't unattractive - he's fit, and he's got a sharp jaw and the undercut definitely works for him. Still, Yuri is 99% sure that JJ is straight. On the 1% chance however that he is genuinely interested, Yuri allows himself to check the boy out, weighing the options. "Are you even gay?"

"I appreciate attractive people - gender isn't an issue. So is that a yes?" Otabek decides in that moment that JJ is too fucking charming and Yuri, well Yuri has a type and _charming attractive asshole_ sums it up pretty well. It doesn't help the situation that Yuri's never had a guy show interest before and despite the mask he's wearing in front of the others Otabek knows he's preening at the compliments and validation. It feels like hours before Yuri sits up, turning to face JJ and staring him down. He doesn't respond verbally - doesn't trust his mouth to form any coherent words - so he gives a short nod in response instead.

"Good. I'll be by to get you at 7. Wear purple, I like that color on you." There's an uneasy silence afterwards, and Emil takes the chance to announce he'll be going stag since he's in charge of manning the DJ booth the first half of the night. He, Leo and JJ turn their attention back to the game afterwards, ready for another round.

Yuri remains silent, sinking into the couch while staring at Otabek because _what the fuck just happened?_ He's struggling to get his emotions in check - left half parts flattered and half parts irritated – after the unconventional invitation. He wants to say something, anything to Otabek, but the anger that was there hasn't left and his eyes are dark and cloudy. When they others ask him if he's going to join the next round he hands the remote to Yuri instead,silently stands and walks down the hall to his bedroom, promptly shutting the door behind him. The brunette isn't quite sure what part of the conversation got him this upset, but it stirred something deep inside him and he wants to scream and break things. The last time this happened his sister had come home in tears, explaining how a little girl at her school had told her she couldn't be the princess because her hair was thick and wavy and her skin was too dark and she was ugly. He tries to use the same tactics that had worked that day, quickly grabbing his headphones and playing the song he'd been working on last week. A few deep breaths and heavy beats later and he's still pissed but it's easier to get his heart rate under control and he thinks he can save face if he goes back sooner than later.

They don't discuss his freak out when he comes back, but Yuri feels guilty even if he can't explain why.

* * *

Yuri is frantically grabbing his phone and keys as he runs into the living room, brand new purple tie in hand. Lilia is out for the night and Nikolai is already asleep, leaving only Yuri, Victor and his fiance (also annoyingly named Yuuri) in the apartment. They'd moved in during summer after Victor finished grad school, promising they only needed a place until they found one of their own. Yuuri had started teaching at Lilia's studio and Victor was choreographing for a local theater, but the budget was tight. Weeks turned in to months and San Francisco rent just kept going up, so they had stayed indefinitely, taking up Victor's old room. The extra bodies were just one more reason that Yuri tried to stay at Otabek's place as often as possible.

"Victor, put this thing on my neck! I need to be ready five minutes ago!" The thin piece of fabric was thrust in his face, Yuri waiting impatiently for him to take it. "Oh Yurio, you are quite the little pork cutlet bowl tonight!"

Yuri dropped his arm, waving it in the direction of the name-stealer. "Vic stop being a creep and save that talk for your private time with Piggy." Yuuri was mortified at Yuri's nicknames for him when they'd first arrived, but he'd let go of that months before. Once he realized that Yuri wasn't nice to anyone, it felt much less personal. Victor, on the other hand, still became irate every time his younger cousin insulted the love of his life, walking away with a huff, Yuri's tie still knotted in his hand.

"Vitya leave it. It's his first dance and he's only a freshman, you're making it awkward - er, more awkward anyway." He was laying across the couch, reading a book when the blonde came storming over and handed him the tie instead.

"I'm just saying he's all done up, he even had Lilia do his braids before she left. So when is Otabek coming over to get you?" Yuri turned quickly, nearly choking himself on the tie Yuuri was currently tightening around his neck. "Wah? Beka isn't going to the dance. I begged him to, for moral support, but he said he had family commitments."

Victor's smile fell, concern creeping across his features. "So you're going alone?"

"No, I have a date old man. He should be here soon." Yuri threw himself on the couch beside Yuuri, pulling out his phone to check for JJ's message.

"Good for you Yuri." The Japanese man smiled at him, affectionately patting him on the back. His smile fell as the blonde sprung up, recoiling from the touch. "Okay JJ is here, I'll see you later, or not, don't care." He was steps from the door, one hand waving over his shoulder at them, the other clutching his phone when Victor jumped in front of him, plucking it from his grasp.

"Hey give that back you crazy asshole!" Victor remained unphased by the verbal assault, standing his ground before the teen and the door. "We'd like to meet this young man. Certainly he can come up and say hello properly." Yuri ignored him, jumping and grabbing frantically for the device held just out of his reach. "No one does that any more gramps. He's outside waiting, he texted me like 2 minutes ago I have to go. Now give me my phone before I kick you in the shins." Victor was pretty sure Yuri would actually kick in the shins if he pushed it much farther, but he thought of the boy as a younger brother and wanted to be sure he wasn't getting in over his head. "How are you getting there?"

"I told you, he's picking me up. He's a junior - he drives." Yuri sighed back at him as if it's the most obvious thing in the world.

"An older boy, huh? I don't like it, Yuri is young and impressionable." He turned and directed the last comment over the blonde's head towards his partner.

Yuri crossed his arms and huffed out in frustration. A mumbled "I'm standing right here idiot!" fell from his lips, but Victor showed no sign of hearing it. Yuuri walked across the room then, standing before Victor, an arm outstretched. The taller man beamed, throwing his arms open wide expectantly, but instead of embracing him, Yuuri took the opportunity to snag the phone and hand it back to the blonde. "Have fun Yuri, let us know if you need us to get you later."

As soon as he was out the door, the couple moved across the living space towards the balcony. When Yuri finally came into their view, a dark haired boy got out to greet him, corsage in hand. As soon as the taller boy leaned in, Victor threw himself over the railing, cupping both hands over his mouth to help his voice travel. "Have fun Yurio! Make good choices!"

Victor may not have won the cell phone battle, but he still had a few embarrassing tricks up his sleeve.

* * *

It's just past nine when Otabek feels his phone vibrate, pulling his attention away from his most recent project. The song is a departure from his usual style - it's got a weight to it he's never wanted before, and for every hopeful melody there's a dark crescendo. It's definitely not the type of song you send someone as a romantic gesture, but it's raw and sad and he loves it the way he loves Lana Del Rey and Halsey because sometimes sad songs are the only ones that feel right. He lifts the device, lock screen coming in to view. The motorcycle on it is one he's coveted for years - a constant reminder of what he's working towards with his music and his test preps and all the after school activities. When he unlocks it, he's greeted by a photo of himself and Yuri, Greta and Lexi napping across their laps. It's his favorite photo of their little half human half cat family, but tonight he wishes it wasn't there.

When he opens the message, he's surprised and relieved to find a text from Mila and not the blonde in question.

 **MB: Yuri told me you weren't going tonight either.**

It's not completely uncommon for Mila to text him, but they weren't nearly as close to each other as they each were to Yuri. Still, he appreciated her sass and ability to be the only other person capable of keeping their mutual best friend in check.

 **No, staying home to watch my siblings. You?**

 **MB: Vlad is too old and my girlfriends all had dates.**

 **Ah, that's too bad.**

 **MB: You're too nice Otabek.**

He isn't sure what sparked the conversation, but he really wants to get back to his work. Just as he moves to put the phone away, another, more relevant text arrives.

 **MB: You know Yuri was pretty disappointed you didn't go with them.**

Yuri had begged him for weeks to go, but the more he thought about seeing Yuri there with JJ the quicker he realized it was best for everyone if he stayed home. If his initial reaction to Yuri being asked was any indication, actually witnessing the date would not have ended well.

 **He has a date - why would it matter?**

 **MB: Do you want to know why Yuri agreed to go with JJ?**

The question is painful because yes, Otabek _desperately_ wants to know because why would someone as funny and clever and great as Yuri agree to go to the dance with someone as slimy as JJ? Still, if Yuri didn't tell him then there's probably a reason, and he doesn't want to break that trust.

 **If he wanted to tell me, he would have.**

There's a pause, and Otabek thinks that Mila has taken the hint, but when she finally does response it comes in the form of text after text, as if she's trying desperately to get Otabek's attention.

 **MB: He agreed to go with JJ because he was the first guy to show any interest in him.**

 **MB: Guys hit on him as a joke all the time, but JJ was serious about it.**

 **MB: Yuri is my best friend too you know, and I love him, but he's got more issues than Vogue. So it's not a huge surprise he jumped at the first guy to ask him out.**

 **MB: Still, I don't know if JJ is good for him.**

It isn't that Otabek doesn't agree because he very much _does_ , but it feels wrong to have this conversation behind Yuri's back. It was one thing, him feeling this way and keeping it to himself, but if he vents it to MIla then he can't go back to pretending it doesn't bother him just as much.

 **Why are you telling me this?**

 **MB: I'll cut to the chase. We both know you stayed home because you didn't want to see Yuri with JJ.**

 **MB: I know you try really hard to come off cool and aloof, but I know you care about him more than you let on.**

 **MB: I'm not telling you this because I think you should make a move - that's your call. But Yuri is going to cling to JJ as long as he gives him attention - even if they're a bad match. And watching that is going to suck for you.**

It's the first time anyone has ever called him out on his feelings - the ones he was convinced no one else knew about - for Yuri. He isn't sure when it started, but he's aware that there's a dampness on his cheeks that implies he's crying. His breathing isn't right either - it's too short and too desperate. The room is a bit brighter than usual, and he's pretty sure he can't hear anything other than the beating of his own heart. He looks around, realizing that he's lying on the carpet, staring at the ceiling. The entire experience feels foreign to him, and in a way it's like he's watching from the outside instead of experiencing it himself. A panic attack - that's what the doctor had told him the first time he'd had one back in Almaty. They don't come often, but when they do there's no warning, and they leave him completely incapacitated. When the sound returns, and the lights dim - when his heart rate slows and he can hear himself taking deeper breaths - he glaces over to find his phone, forgotten by his side on the floor. There's one unread message there, but it isn't what he'd expected to find.

 **MB: I'm just saying, if it your secret ever gets too heavy to shoulder alone, I'm here to help you carry it. Ok?**

He hadn't wanted to acknowledge the feelings, didn't want to put words to them that would make them real. It was easier thinking that he just thought JJ was a dick than admitting he was jealous of him. Still, if he ever does decide he needs an outlet, knowing Mila is there is a kindness he hadn't expected.

 **Alright.** **Thanks.**

They delete the messages immediately after.

Otabek decides to turn in for the night, slowly packing up his computer and putting away his gear when the phone buzzes again. He thinks Mila must not have been done afterall, but the message isn't from her.

 **Yuri: Beks can u come get me? I'm at Emily's place. I dunno where though?**

The message is from Yuri and it is completely out of character for him. Before giving it a second though, Otabek is tugging on his shoes, grabbing a jacket and throwing his wallet and keys in his pocket while listening to Yuri's phone ring over and over on the other end of the line. He finally picks up on the third try, just as Otabek slips into the driver seat of his mother's sedan.

"Yuri what's the matter? Are you okay, are you safe? Who is Emily?" The questions fly out of his mouth, one after the other in a single breath. It quiet for a few seconds before a very inebriated Yuri finally responds. "Yeah I'm just a lil sick. I'm at Emil's place. Can you get me? Vic won't let me hear the end of it if he finds out I drank too much."

He knows Emil - not Emily - lives in the Sunset, so it shouldn't take him too long to get there. "Stay there -drink water, make sure you aren't alone. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

He pulls up nine minutes and three debatable yellow lights later to find Yuri sitting out front with Emil, glass of water in hand. Emil looks realtively sober, and even though Otabek is upset, he wants to give his friend the benefit of the doubt.

"What happened? Why is Yura so drunk? You know he's a light weight Emil!" The blonde boy doesn't seem to care about the conversation happening next to him, too focused on the purple tie slipping between his fingers.

"Look Otabek I'm sorry man. Honestly, I didn't even know Yuri was here until a few minutes ago when he came in and said he needed water and someone to wait with him for you. I thought he went home after the dance because I hadn't seen him with JJ when he showed up." He paused then, debating if he should add the last part in. "JJ passed out in my living room half an hour ago, so I guess they've been here drinking for a while. We only had beer and vodka, but I don't know what he drank. Sorry, really, that's all I know." Otabek reaches out to squeeze his friends shoulder in reassurance - he can't be mad at Emil that Yuri crashed the house party and drank too much. He can be mad at JJ however, and he's going to let him know that the next time they meet. "Thank you Emil, good night."

He manages to get Yuri into the car and buckled up quickly enough, but he's still too angry to talk to him. They're half way home, sitting at a red light, when he notices the younger teen struggling with his phone. "What are you trying to do? You're awful at drink texting."

Yuri manages to scowl and give an eye roll in response before flopping over against the car door. "Trying to tell Victor I'm staying at your place so he doesn't lose his shit and send the cops after me." He sounds a bit better now, but he's definitely still not sobered up.

Otabek pulls the car over on a side street, throwing it into park before holding his hand out. "Give me your phone." It's a demand, not a question, and Yuri hands it over with no resistance. A few seconds later Otabek shoots off a text before shoving it into his pocket and pulling back onto the road.

 **Staying at Beks place tonight. Be home in the morning.**

When they finally park outside their own apartment, he checks the phone again. He's not surprised to find a prompt response from Victor.

 **Notmybrother: You have your own bed down the hall, why not just come home?**

It's a fair question, and he's not sure how Yuri would respond to it. Probably with a lot of cursing and insults, he thinks. "He wants to know why you don't just go home. It is down the hall after all."

Yuri has both hands woven in his hair, rubbing his temples to ease what Otabek assumes is the start of a terrible headache. "Fuck. Just, just tell him I'm pissed off and needed to vent to you. I don't know. Tonight was a fucking disaster." Otabek hums in acknowledgement before sending a short response he thinks sums it up well enough.

 **Dance sucked.**

 **Notmybrother: Ok, say hi to Otabek. See you tomorrow.**

Otabek knows Victor isn't perfect - far from it - but he seems to understand Yuri well enough to know when to leave him be. When the pair finally make their way into Otabek's room, Yuri throws off his dress clothes without a second thought, grabbing a shirt and paints out of Otabek's bottom drawer like he has countless times before. They're too big to share the bed now, so Yuri set to work rolling out the sleeping roll they keep shoved in the corner for this very purpose while Otabek gets him some water and advil. It isn't until they're both in bed that Otabek finds his voice.

"Yuri, I... Yuri, what happened tonight? You don't even like alcohol, why did you get so drunk? Did he, did JJ pressure you to drink?" He's stumbling over his words and his voice sounds so sad and small but he has to ask, has to understand why Yuri would behave so carelessly. He doesn't care that Yuri decided to drink - he and his friends did it all the time - but Yuri's always made it clear he wasn't interested in "getting wasted" and Otabek has always respected that boundary.

"No. He didn't. I asked to go along to the party because the dance sucked and I spent the entire night waiting for JJ to actually fucking dance with me, but he acted like we were just two dudes who went together. He barely even held my hand. I just thought, fuck I thought he liked me, you know? And I thought maybe if we went to the party and drank a bit he'd relax and not be so uptight about being there with a guy... about being there with me." Yuri's voice is barely a whisper at the end, and Otabek suddenly feels very small for asking his friend to talk about things when he's clearly still a bit drunk because Yuri isn't one to share so openly. "But then he left to talk to someone and I played a game with these other guys and next thing I knew I was way drunker than I meant to be and I didn't want him to see me like that, you know? I didn't want him to realize I was just some dumb freshman. So I went outside and I texted you instead."

He wants to reassure him that he has nothing to be embarassed about. He wants to tell him that JJ is a fucking idiot for not dancing with him or treating him like a proper date. He wants to tell him he deserves someone better, someone who will cherish him like the fallen angel he is. He really wants to tell him that if he ever so much as sees JJ talk to him again, he's going to knock him out cold. He wants to say a lot of things, but Yuri is drunk and Otabek is scared and instead he says "Get some sleep Yuri."

* * *

Yuri wakes up in the morning feeling not great, but also not nearly as bad as he had expected. It probably has to do with the water and medicine Otabek had forced him to take before they went to bed and the fact he's young enough to bounce back form these things. Still, if he was unsure before, he's convinced now that Vodka and beer should not be mixed. Otabek is still asleep, so he does his best to silently slip out into the hall and back to his own place. He notices an unread text message, and hopes that Victor wasn't pissed he stayed over.

 **JJ: Hey, I hope you're okay. Emil said you left last night and Otabek came and got you. I'm really sorry about last night - I was a total dick and you didn't deserve that. When we got there I just kind of lost my nerve, you know? I know I don't deserve a second chance, but if you're willing to give me, I'd like to take you out tonight on a proper date, no alcohol or awkward school dances involved.**

Yuri knows that there are red flags everywhere, but he can't get the way JJ had smiled at him when he first picked him up out of his mind. Maybe having his first gay date be at a public school dance was just too much after all. Besides, it's only one date, and he'd promised no alcohol.

 **Be here at 6. Dinner and a movie. I like milk chocolates with caramel centers. You're paying for everything.**

When JJ shows up that night he's got a box of See's candies in one hand and flowers in the other. He gives Yuri a kiss on the cheek and opens the door to his car. Before he gets a chance to get in on the other side, Otabek motions for him to come over.

"JJ, let me make myself 100% clear. Yuri is my best friend and he has been through more shit in his 15 years than most go through in a lifetime. If you ever do something like that again and leave him in a dangerous situation, it will be the last time you ever speak to him. Do we have an understanding?" Otabek is intimidating on a regular day, but he's terrifying when he's driven to protect the people he loves.

JJ's jaw has fallen open slightly, his eyes wide with fear. "Wow dude, that's like the most I've ever heard you speak at once. I'm sorry Otabek, it was an honest mistake. I really do like Yuri okay? I didn't mean for anything bad to happen to him." He's sincere, but Otabek doesn't back down. "You're two years older JJ. Don't forget that."

JJ nods and turns to leave, joining Yuri in the car. Neither of them ever tell Yuri what was said during that conversation.

* * *

It's a few weeks later when Otabek catches JJ with Yuri pinned against a wall in the hallway, one hand tangled in his hair, the other gripping his waist. He walks by silently, then turns into the closest bathroom and punches the wall so hard it leaves his knuckles bloody and the ceramic tiles cracked. He realizes that his reaction may have been a bit over the top, but it was better than punching JJ square in the face. Realistically, he can't break things every time he sees them together, but right now it feels like he won't be able to handle the fury he feels any other way. He's pissed, because he wants those hands to be his hands. He wants to run his fingers through the soft blonde locks like he had when he'd braided Yuri's hair only now he wants to ball a fist in it and crash his mouth against his. He wants his hand on that hip, holding him in place so there isn't any space between them. He wants to melt into him, feel every ridge of his body pressing up against the pliant one beneath him. It's so fucked up because Yuri is happy and he really wants his best friend to be happy, but a louder part of him doesn't want him to be happy unless he's the source of it. He knew it would be difficult, but he never expected this to hurt so much. Every feeling he's hidden is crashing down on him, wave after wave, relentless, drowning him and he can't deny it anymore, the way he feels about Yuri. But he can't tell him either, can't shatter the other teen's happiness just because he's suffering. But the pain and the anger are eating at him, leaving him hollow and if he leaves it like that, festering, he knows that won't end well either. Maybe Mila is right and JJ isn't a good fit, but it's Yuri's choice not his and he respects him too much to say anything. Yuri has to be the once to decide JJ is wrong for him, and when he does, Otabek will be there to show him just how right he could be for him instead.

He takes a few minutes to calm down, taking deep breaths and splashing his face with cold water. When he goes back into the hallway, the couple is gone.

He texts Mila that night and tells her everything instead.

* * *

Sorry for using JJ, but I needed a fuckboi villan and JJ just screams fuckboi.

I also think that it's usually Yuri pining after a taken Otabek, and I wanted to explore it being the other way.

See you next level!


	5. Chapter 5

Yuri and JJ have been dating for a year. Teenage hormones are a bitch.

Yuri and Mila are sophomores, JJ, Otabek and the gang are seniors

* * *

January is a dreary month in the city - the rain falls in blankets for weeks at a time and the wind howls through the hills, racking the old victorian building they live in. This Wednesday afternoon is no different, and Yuri wants nothing more than to leave campus and get home to the warm comfort of his bed. Usually Otabek drove them home, but he was staying after school with the AV club today, leaving Yuri to find his own way back. He'd happily accepted a ride from JJ, and the two had managed to make it from school to inside aparment without getting completely drenched. JJ rarely came over to Yuri's place - it was small and crowded and usually filled with the other members of his patchwork family. Today though, they had decided to spend some time together doing homework until Yuri had to leave for practice. When they stumbled into the apartment, Yuri expected to be greeted by Nikolai and fresh piroshki. Instead, he's surprised to find Lexi the only tenant home. A note on the counter told him Nikolai had gone to get groceries and would be back by 4. He knew Lilia and Yuuri had a class until 6 since he'd be joining them at the studio after to work on his upcoming recital, and Victor was in New York helping with a show there until Sunday. It was rare to find the place empty these days, and when he realizes he's home alone with his boyfriend, he decides to take advantage of the situation. "Everyone is out. So we have the place to ourselves..."

He doesn't have to tell JJ twice, and the next minute he's being scooped up and carried bridal style to his bedroom. They discard their rain coats and the wet shirts beneath them, falling back onto Yuri's bed clad in only their jeans and socks. His chest is warm and firm and it feels nice, _really fucking nice_ , pressing against each other without clothes in the way. It's heat and friction and it lights a fire deep inside him, but when JJ's hand travels down his side, over his hip, ghosting along the sensitive skin of his lower abs that excitement turns to anxiety and he grasps the hand fumbling with the button on his jeans, stopping the action before it can happen.

"Babe what's the matter? You're so beautiful and I love kissing you and I just want you. Don't you want that too?" JJ is peppering his chest with open mouth kisses as the words fumbled out of his mouth. They've never done more than this, just make out sessions and skimming hands over chests and backs. JJ has tried for more in the past, but Yuri can't bring himself to feel totally comfortable with it, even if his hormones are desperately trying to convince him to. So _yes_ , he does want that, but also _no_ , he isn't sure he wants that right here and now with JJ. He hasn't been able to put his finger on it, but something always holds him back, and this time it seems will be no different.

The older teen's eyes are clouded with lust, and he's making it really fucking hard for Yuri to think straight. "We don't have to go all the way, just let me make you feel good. And then you could reciprocate?" Yuri knows that JJ can be cocky, but he also knows there's another side to him, a softer, kinder one. He clearly cares about Yuri and he's been patient for the most part, but every time this happens it's harder to say no. The thing is, Yuri thinks he's in love with JJ, but he doesn't really know - both his mom and aunt ended up raising their sons alone with Nikolai's help so he doesn't really have any reference for a healthy relationship. He knows he finds JJ attractive, and he usually enjoys his company. He knows JJ is a really good kisser and he always tells Yuri how beautiful he is. But maybe he _isn't_ in love because they never just spend the day together without it turning into this and when he thinks about losing him he's sad, but he's not devastated - not like he would be if he lost Dedushka or Mila or Otabek. It's the thought of his grandfather that finally pulls him back to the present to realize JJ is still waiting for an answer - half naked, straddling his waist, and lying on top of him.

"Dedushka will be home any minute JJ - we should stop." It's not a lie - it's 3:30 and Nikolai could waltz in any minute - Yuri would never forgive himself if he walked in on them in a compromising position. Still, if he really wanted to take the next step with JJ he could lock the door and find a way. JJ seems to get the hint and sighs, pushing up onto his arms until he's hovering over Yuri instead of pressing against him.

"Right." He rolls off the bed and starts looking for his discarded shirt when alarms go off in Yuri's mind. He's back peddling now, afraid he's finally pushed JJ away one too many times. "It's not that I don't want to I just, shit. I don't want to right now, okay? Not when he could come home at any time and I have a lot of work to do and I have to be at the studio tonight to meet Lilia and-"

JJ just holds out a flexed hand, his palm open to face Yuri, quieting him. "It's okay. I should be going anyway, I have a math test to study for." His voice is soft and there's no resentment or irritation in it, but his face is set in a thin line and Yuri knows he's trying hard not to be upset about getting shot down again. The blond doesn't know what to do - he wants to reach out and grab onto his boyfriend, anything to anchor himself and make JJ stay because he really can't handle someone he cares about leaving him again - but he also doesn't want to make a rash decision. Instead he tries to find his voice, tries to express his concerns, only to squeak out a feeble "JJ.." before his mind goes blank and he can't think of what to say next. To his credit, JJ doesn't react. He throws on his coat, leans towards the smaller teen and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek. "It's fine Yuri. I'll see you tomorrow." He's gone before Yuri can process it, and he's left sitting on his bed, shirtless and alone, a hand still pressed against his cheek where the goodbye kiss lingers and burns. It didn't feel like a see you tomorrow kiss - it felt a lot more definitive than that - and Yuri isn't sure how to process the information.

He wants to go next door and ask Otabek about it, but he won't be home until later and even then this really isn't something they usually talk about. Otabek is still very much Yuri's best friend, even if they've seen each other less the last year, but Mila has always been the "talk about boys" best friend. They've drifted a bit too though, and Yuri knows it's because he's prioritized his relationship with JJ over his friendship with both of them. They all still eat lunch together, but now he spends it with JJ's arm around him or with their legs tangled together on the bench instead of sitting with Mila and Otabek, and they still laugh and make jokes, but Otabek doesn't talk as much as he used to, which is noticeable because it was never that much to begin with. On the other hand, the two of them are obviously closer now - especially since Vlad graduated and went to college on the East coast - leaving Mila and their relationship behind. There's a tiny voice in the back of his mind that suggests _maybe_ they're into each other, or that just _maybe_ they're already dating each other. It isn't that he's jealous - Otabek can date whoever he wants, but he's never said anything to Yuri about wanting to date anyone so the blonde wouldn't know if Mila is his type. The problem is that if they are seeing each other, then they've both been keeping it a secret and the thought of that makes his chest tighten and his head pound because they've never had secrets between them before.

If he can't talk to his two best friends about his relationship problems, then maybe his aunt is the next best thing. After all, she was an active participant in PRIDE week and she had told him to come to her when he had questions about sex after her came out, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

Yuri regretted many decisions in his life - like the time he dyed his hair purple and looked like a troll doll for a month, or the time he tried to pierce Otabek's lip and passed out at the first sign of blood with the job half done - but right now, sitting on the couch listening to a very inebriated Lilia, he's decided that asking her for sex advice was the decision he regretted most.

It had taken him the entire night to get up the courage to bring it up, and even then he'd waited until it was just the two of them left in the living room. He had a speech prepared, but the second he opened his mouth his brain went blank, and instead he improvised. That's how they found themselves sitting on the couch, waiting to hear if the couple on TV had chosen house 1 2 or 3, when Yuri blurted out "Lilia, JJ wants to have sex and I don't know if we should."

The statement had certainly caught her off guard, and the look on her face was unreadable. She stood and walked to the kitchen without an explanation, returning a few minutes later with a now half empty bottle of wine in one hand. "Yuri, you're a handsome teenager, 'course your boyfriend wants to have sex with you. You're not a child anymore - you're 16 - if you want to have sex with him, go for it, but don't be careless - I gave you that bag of condoms and lube for a reason." There was an awkward silence after that, Yuri too mortified to speak, Lilia too busy finishing the rest of the wine. When she finally continued, it was somehow even worse than before. "B'sides, it's not like you can get pregnant, so winning! Truth is, I was younger than you when I lost my virginity, and sex was great. We'd come home from school and spend hours learning how our bodies worked, moving together between the sheets. If I could go back, I'd tell my 16 year old self to have even more sex. Have lots of it while you're still young and have perky tits and a tight vagina. Those are the first things to go." Yuri could feel the heat rising to his face, hell he could feel it in the tips of his ears. When he couldn't take it any more, he dove towards his aunt and gave her a tight hug before running off to his room and locking the door behind him, leaving her and her memories as far from him as possible. Yeah, he definitely regretted asking Lilia for advice.

He thinks asking someone closer to his age but old enough to have some experience might be a good option, and between Victor and the Piggy, he chooses Victor. As it turns out, he probably should have asked Yuuri instead. Victor's reluctant to leave his fiance alone, but Yuri is adamant they have the conversation _right fucking now_ , and he pulls Victor down the hall into his room. When they're both sitting on his bed, he takes a few deep breaths before trying this whole thing again. Yuri had at least managed to ask the question more thoughtfully this time, but leave it to Victor to still make it dreadfully uncomfortable. "Victor, how did you decide you wanted to be intimate with someone for the first time?"

He's hoping for something insightful - a 27 year old should be able to give good advice on sex - but Victor goes a different route instead. "Oh my Yurio, that is quite the question. I'm so happy you came to me first before deciding to do anything - sex is very important! So the first person I was intimate with was a girl named Lena..." Yuri sank into the mattress, unable to comprehend the fact his cousin was describing, in graphic detail, every sexual encounter he'd ever had as casually as if he were reading a grocery list. It's nearly thirty minutes later when he wraps it up, and Yuri is sure he's going to need to scrub himself in the shower for at least two hours. "... and so I had to say good bye to Chris when I finished my year abroad in Switzerland. By then I'd had plenty of lovers - men, women, more than I remember I'm sure. But that's all they were - lovers. When I met Yuuri something changed. For the first time I had to pursue someone instead of being pursued. For the first time he didn't seduce me with pickup lines and lemon drops - he did it with his laugh and the sparkle in his eyes and the sway in his hips. It was love at first sight." When Victor finally looks at Yuri, he realizes that maybe he'd overshared. The truth is, he barely remembers the original question, but he tries to salvage the situation. "The point, Yurio, is that sex is great, but sex with someone you're in love with - sex with your soulmate - well that's indescribable. So if yo're trying to figure out if you're ready to be intimate, try to think about how you feel with that person. Before Yuuri, I felt lust and desire, but there wasn't anything more. With Yuuri, I feel safe and loved, I feel precious. With Yuuri, I feel like the most important person in the world. With Yuuri, I feel like I'm home." Yuri isn't sure if he completely understands, and he's still a bit traumatized by the entire conversation, but when he thinks about JJ he doesn't feel like home, and maybe that's what's been missing.

* * *

It's been a few days since he made the mistake of asking Lilia and Victor for sex advice. True to his word, JJ did see him at lunch that day and they went on as if nothing had happened, but he could feel a distance between them that hadn't been there before. He wants to talk to JJ about it, but he knows he needs to work through his feelings before he can hope to share them. He's still unsure about his choice, and he decides that he's going to ask Mila after all. She's never been coy about her sex life, and he's pretty sure she can't give him any worse advice than he'd already gotten. Then again, he can not handle another awkward sex talk, so he decides to text her when he gets home that night instead hoping it will make it more manageable.

 **Mila, why did you have sex with Vlad? How did you know you were ready?**

It isn't the best start to a conversation, but Yuri is nothing if not straight forward.

 **Baba: Hello to you too Yuri.**

 **Baba: Well, I guess I was attracted to him, and I was horny? I don't know if there was a moment where I thought "I'm emotionally ready to let someone be inside of me."**

He's irritated because okay he probably deserved that given how their conversation went the time she helped him realize he was gay, but also _this is serious_ _dammit_ , and he does not need her sass right now thank you very fucking much.

 **Not. Helpful.**

He's about to add this to his list of lost causes when he gets another text from her.

 **Baba: You know how my parents divorced when I was in 7th grade? That was the same year I met Vlad and even though he was in 10th, he never treated me like a kid. He didn't diminish my feelings or act like my depression was just me being angsty. He took me seriously, and he validated my concerns. He was the only stable thing in my life at the time. I trusted him. That's all there really was to it. When we started dating a few years later, I never even questioned if I was ready because it was him and he was already my rock.**

It sounds a lot like what Victor had tried to express, only with less unnecessary details. He thinks about JJ and realizes that he trusts him with simple things like his fear of spiders and that time he cried in front of him over a hurt cat they found, but he doesn't trust him with his heart, not completely. He isn't his rock; he isn't his home. Then again, Mila and Vlad hadn't made it last, so maybe you needed more than just trust.

 **So why'd you break up?** He realizes he'd never asked her - he'd been too caught up in his own relationship to acknowledge that hers had fallen apart.

 **Baba: I love him Yuri, but I'm 16. I didn't want to hold him back from his career or his future. Maybe one day we'll find our way back to each other when the timing is better, but right now I need to focus on myself and he needs to focus on himself. It's not healthy to be someone's entire world, you know?**

Mila is a lot smarter than most 16 year olds, he thinks. He shouldn't have let his fears about her and Otabek get in the way of coming to her first, and it's not a mistake he's going to make again. He tells her the whole truth this time.

 **I can't have sex with JJ. I want to, but then when it's about to happen I freak out.** **Lilia said to go for it, Victor just described his sexual history.** **I need real advice here woman.**

He's pacing back and forth in his room without consciously realizing it, anxiously waiting for a response. When it comes he feels like he's been slapped.

 **Baba: Yura be honest with me - why don't you want to sleep with him? I know that you know, just admit it to yourself and it'll be easier to find the words.**

Dammit, Mila really is smarter than most 16 year olds. Hell, she's smarter than anyone he knows, or at least more perceptive. He takes a deep breath before typing out the first thing that comes to mind and hitting send.

 **I guess I just don't trust that he'll care how it is for me. I know it's selfish, but I want to wait for someone who will take care of me, make me feel special. I want to really matter to them, you know?**

When he reads it back, he's completely overwhelmed with embarrassment and adds another, more demanding note.

 **Oh God, please don't ever tell anyone I said that - in fact I demand you erase it from your phone and memory.**

He can't be sure, but he's convinced Mila is laughing at him right now. Then again, she's also probably putting a lot of thought into her advice, so he can't be too mad if she gets a few chuckles at his expense.

 **Baba: Yura listen, there is nothing wrong with wanting your partner to be supportive and considerate. And if you really don't think that JJ is capable of doing that, then he's not ready to have sex with anyone, especially someone as great as you. But, if you're that worried about it, it probably means you're not ready either. So give yourself time and stop listening to Victor and your aunt. They're very different people than you.**

For the first time since the day JJ left his apartment, Yuri feels himself relax. He finally accepts the truth he's been fighting against, and he's left feeling 80 pounds lighter. There's still the uncomfortable discussion they need to have about their relationship and where it leaves them, but at least he isn't feeling like something's wrong with him for not being ready anymore. He knows he should just thank Mila and let it go, but there's something that's been eating at him, and it's as good a time as any to ask it now.

 **Thanks Baba. So since you and Vlad broke up, have you been with anyone else?**

Mila's sitting in her bedroom, putting the finishing touches on her toe nails when she gets the last message from Yuri. There's something more to the question that just friendly curiosity, and she's pretty sure she knows just what Yuri's getting at. A part of her thinks it would be fun to see his reaction if she said yes, but the other, kinder part of her realizes causing drama in Yuri's life for her own amusement is a bad call. She responds to his text, a smile on her face. She knows this doesn't mean Yuri is ready to get rid of JJ just yet, but she hopes it's enough to show him the relationship has run its course.

 **Baba: No Yuri, no one since Vlad. Just focusing on myself right now and starting to figure out what I want to do with my future.**

Yuri shouldn't be so happy about that, but he definitely is. Mila may be sassy, but she wouldn't lie to him, definitely not about that. The information makes him feel better about reaching out to Otabek as well, but he's on the fence. He's pretty sure he's already got his answer from talking to Mila, but Otabek knows Yuri better than anyone else, and he might have some wisdom to add. At this point, he just wants some validation, and he knows it only matters if it comes from his best friend. When he calls Otabek late that night, he's intentionally vague. It isn't that he doesn't trust Otabek, but after the disaster that was his first Homecoming and the look on Otabek's face when JJ had picked him up the next night for their date, he's made it a point not to involve Otabek in their relationship.

* * *

Otabek is lying in bed, Greta curled up against the curve of his stomach when his phone buzzes to life. Yuri almost never calls past 11 unless it's important, so he banishes any thoughts of sleep and answers instead. Before he can even manage a greeting though, Yuri's voice comes through.

"Beks, I need your advice on something." Otabek is caught off guard - Yuri almost never directly asks for advice from Otabek without some sort of condition.

"But you have to promise not to ask questions, alright?" He chuckles to himself, happy to see that some things never change. "I'll do my best."

There's rustling on the other side of the line, and he knows that Yuri is probably pacing in circles in his room like he always does when he's flustered. It's such a predictable habit that the carpet has visibly worn down over time to form a small round track. "Fuck, okay. So, there's this thing that someone is trying to get me to do. And I want to do it, but I don't know if I want to do it with them. Or, shit, I mean, I want to do it with them, but I don't know if I should? Like, I wouldn't do it with anyone else, and if I were to do it it would be with them, and I think I want to, but I'm just not sure they're a good person to do this thing with because I don't think they're going to be right for it."

Otabek isn't sure what Yuri's talking about, but he knows that Yuri is easily influenced by others. He doesn't doubt Yuri, but he does doubt the people in his life.

"Yura - calm down and listen to me. I'm not going to pretend I understood what you just said, but I know you. You're not a weak person - you're the strongest person I know. You're smart and you're independent and you're driven and you don't need someone to tell you what to do. So you can ask me for advice, or you you can ask this person you're talking about, but at the end of the day, you already know the answer. My advice? Forget this person that's trying to influence your choice and forget me and forget everyone but yourself. Then ask yourself what you really want - and that is the right choice. I have no doubt that you're capable of making the right decision on this yourself."

There's silence, and then he thinks he can hear Yuri exhale the breath he'd been holding.

"Yeah. Okay. Thanks Beks. I'll see you at lunch tomorrow okay?" He sounds happy at least, and Otabek hopes it was enough.

"Sure, night Yuri." It's not until he hangs up that the anxiety creeps up on him. Whatever he'd just helped Yuri decide was probably important, and even though he promised not to ask, he desperately wants to know what the hell that conversation was about. Maybe tomorrow at lunch he'll find the courage to find out. Maybe, but probably not.

* * *

The day starts out normal enough - 1st period honors physics, 2nd period AP English, break, 3rd period World History - but things take a turn halfway through lunch, and Otabek is pretty sure he now knows what it's like to have your heart ripped out and fed to you.

JJ and Yuri have always been more electronic device dependent than Otabek, and it's not uncommon for them to spend lunch on their respective phones. But on this particular Friday, they are sitting on the grass, JJ leaning up against a stone planter wall with Yuri between his legs, back pressed into his chest, both looking at JJ's phone held in front of them. It's bad enough that JJ has both his arms and legs around Yuri, but his head is tucked into the crevice of Yuri's neck and they look so damn domestic like that he nearly leaves from the sight alone. In retrospect, he really fucking wishes he had left at that point, because the conversation that follows is one he's pretty sure will never be able to forget.

JJ keeps whispering in Yuri's ear and they're laughing about something quietly between them, but at one point JJ gets bolder and the whispering turns to talking. "Oh come on Kitten, I'm just teasing. I just really think you'd look great in those." Otabek can't see what they're looking at, but if the blush on Yuri's face is anything to go by, it's probably risque. If JJ was smarter, he would have stopped talking at that point, but JJ, Otabek is convinced, is not very smart at all.

"You've got such a hot body, and they'd hug your hips so nicely." He places a kiss on Yuri's neck, nuzzling into the skin. The next sentence is quieter than the other two, but it's still loud enough for their extended lunch group to hear, and it's the last thing Otabek clearly remembers about that lunch. "Of course, you'd look even better with them on my floor..."

Yuri's face has always been expressive, and in that moment Otabek hopes to see rage, indignation, maybe even hatred. The Yuri he knows would be pissed at being spoken to like that. The Yuri he knows would never be with someone who degrades him in public. The Yuri he knows is a very private person who would never want his relationship details put on display. He expects the Yuri he knows to defend himself - but instead his jaw drops and he's covered in the deepest blush Otabek has ever seen on the paler boy. The thing is, if Yuri were pissed that JJ had said something so stupid, Otabek could have continued to pretend they weren't getting intimate behind closed doors. If Yuri had been angry, then he could believe JJ had crossed a line at even suggesting something so lewd. But unfortunately Yuri is not angry - Yuri is embarrassed. Yuri is embarrassed, because JJ had just talked about their sex life in front of their friends and while Otabek had an idea they were fucking, now the evidence is staring him straight in the face. He isn't 100% sure what happened next, but he knows he got up and left without even grabbing his backpack. He knows it isn't until he's walked to the top of campus and had a seat on bleachers by the track that he's able to see any color other than red. He knows that Mila shows up at some point with his belongings and sits beside him, offering silent support. Otabek is an honor student, and he's never broken a rule or cut a class - but today he decides he needs to be anywhere but here, so he gets in his car and drives to Ocean Beach and spends the rest of the day watching the waves crash down over and over as the tears fall from his eyes. He makes it home just before sunset, thankful that Yuri doesn't catch him on his way in. Symbat is waiting in the living room, ready to lecture him, but when she sees him walk in any anger evaporates. Neither of them say anything - Otabek's eyes are red and raw and puffy and his face tells her everything she needs to know.

"I'll call the school Monday, tell them you were sick and I came and got you early." He doesn't have any words left and he's in desperate need for a shower and a good night's sleep, but he manages a "Thanks Mama" before walking down the hall. He falls sleep missing the Yuri he knows, the one he grew up with, the one he loves. The boy across the hall feels like a stranger now, and that hurts worst of all.

* * *

If Otabek had stayed to hear the rest of the conversation, his day would have probably gone differently, but as fate would have it, he missed the scene that followed. The thing is, Yuri **was** angry, really fucking angry, but he was even more embarrassed that JJ would suggest they were fooling around in front of his best friends. It isn't until Otabek has stormed off and Mila has followed him that Yuri's embarrassment gives way to his rage. He shoves the other boy away from him until he's able to stand, glaring back down at the teen in front of him.

"What the actual fuck JJ? You know I hate when you say shit like that, especially when there are other people around!" It's bad enough he called him Kitten in public, but to talk about how great Yuri would look in hip huggers and then to insinuate they were sleeping together all in one fucking conversation was too much for the blonde to put up with.

JJ moves to stand too so they're on even footing, but he's taller than Yuri by a good six inches and for the first time since they started dating he uses his height to be intimidating. His smirk is gone and the playful demeanor has been replaced by a much more hostile one - eyes narrowed, brow furrowed. If Yuri weren't so angry he might even be a bit scared, but he isn't going to back down now, not after the crap he just pulled. "I was trying to be _fun_ Yuri, you know, say sexy things to my boyfriend. Fuck, you're so cold. You walk around like this little sex kitten, but the second I bring it up with any intent behind it you freak out. You're a tease, and at first it was fun, but now it's just annoying. I'm sick of wasting my time - what's the point in chasing you if there's no finish line?" His words feel like a punch to the gut, and Yuri can not believe that this conversation is happening in public, at lunch, with a handful of onlookers. The rational side of him tells him to calm down and ask JJ to talk about this somewhere more privately, but the pissed off side of him that just watched his best friends run off because JJ was a total asshole is more convincing. If JJ wants to make this a public event, then he's going to put on one hell of a show.

"Well _maybe_ if you weren't so fucking _pushy_ about it I'd actually be into it. Maybe if you weren't constantly trying to score, I'd want to have sex with you!" JJ's facade wavers, and Yuri can see that he actually looks pretty wrecked by his words. He's not a monster - he doesn't want to ruin JJ's life - but he does need to make himself clear. Instead of yelling the next sentence, he steps forward, close enough that the other boy can hear him without announcing it to the onlookers. "Look JJ, I'm not ready to have sex with you, and I don't know when I'm going to be."

JJ doesn't fight back this time, just sighs, a long drawn out sound, before looking back at the blonde. He looks tired, Yuri realizes, like the act of putting up a front has drained the life from him. For the first time in their entire relationship he looks vulnerable, and Yuri isn't sure how he feels about it. "I get it Yuri, you clearly aren't as mature as either of us thought you were. I graduate in a few months and then I leave for college in the fall anyway. You still have two years of high school left, and I think it's best if we both move on now instead of waiting until it happens inevitably anyway."

Yuri had expected JJ to want to talk about things, to work it out - he hadn't expected him to give up on him without a fight. Then again, JJ had been trying to convince him to do more for months, so maybe in his mind the fight had gone on long enough. "I... did you just break up with me because I won't have sex with you?"

JJ motions to the planter and they have a seat side by side. The others have dispersed and the conversation is a lot more civil than the yelling match had been. "I broke up with you because it's become painfully obvious that we are at different places in our lives." On one hand, Yuri gets where he's coming from, but also fuck JJ because that's not fair.

"That's bullshit JJ! You knew I hadn't dated anyone before you, you knew that I was younger than you, fuck you knew that I was insecure about all of this shit and _you_ still pursued _me_. So don't you dare say this is because we're suddenly at different places in our lives - we've been in different places from the start. It's just now that you've realized you're running out of time to get laid before you graduate and I still won't put out." It's probably a bit harsher than deserved, but Yuri knows he's hit the nail on the head when JJ gives him a small, sad smile. "Yeah, I guess you're right."

There isn't anything left to say, and after a few moments of silence they both stand to leave. It's awkard, but they give each other a nod to acknowledge the relationship and each other before walking away. There are no tears on either side, but it still hurts. The truth is, Yuri is too worried about finding Mila and Otabek to mourn the end of his first relationship. When he finally catches site of the redhead she's alone, walking back towards their shared fourth period.

"Baba, where's Otabek? What did he say?" Mila just shakes her head in response and walks into the classroom. Yuri knows it's a bad sign.

* * *

It's Saturday afternoon, and Otabek hasn't had a very productive day. He's still in his PJs, and he's only left his room to eat and use the restroom. He tried working on his portfolio, but even the looming deadline wasn't enough to motivate him. Every time he isn't distracted his mind travels back to the previous day and he wants to cry and punch things and throw up all over again. He's just about to watch his fifth episode of Bob's Burgers when there's a knock on his door.

He expects it to be his mother checking in, or maybe one of the twins, but he finds himself face to face with the source of his current existential crisis instead, and he visibly recoils in response. Yuri tries not to take it personally - Otabek looks like he's been to hell and back, and Yuri is pretty sure he's part of the cause of that. Thankfully it only takes a few seconds for Otabek to realize that Yuri looks just as miserable as he does, and he steps to the side and lets him in without a word.

They don't talk for few minutes, choosing instead to just lie side by side on Otabek's bed. There's music playing in the background, and Yuri thinks it matches his mood perfectly. "Who is this?"

Otabek hesistates at first, but eventually he grunts and admits it's one he made a few months ago. "Oh. It's good. Really good. It's sad though." Yuri's not the most observant person, but this song isn't like the stuff Otabek used to mix, and he's starting to feel even shittier about the distance that's grown between them because clearly, his best friend has been in pain and he's had his head too far up his ass to notice it.

He isnt' sure if they're going to be able to get back to how they were before all of this, but he came over with a purpose and he needs to come clean before he chickens out.

"We broke up yesterday. After you left, we broke up." Yuri isn't sure what he's expecting, but it certainly wasn't for Otabek to roll over and duck his head into the crook of his neck. He's hugging Yuri like a life size teddy bear - like Yuri had clung to him all those times after his mom first died. They don't say anything for a while, everything feels too delicate. When he finally pulls away, there's a smile a mile wide across Otabek's face and it takes Yuri's breath away. It hurts too in a way, because he just now realizes he hasn't seen Otabek really smile in months, and a best friend probably should have noticed that too.

"I'm sorry I left like that, but I just - I couldn't listen to him talk to you like that. I'm glad you dumped him Yuri, he was a dick." Otabek knows he shouldn't be so happy that Yuri's relationship ended, but he can't help himself. He's confused why Yuri looks sad about the whole thing, but he thinks it must just be Yuri feeling guilty. Needless to say he's surprised, when he realizes his mistake.

"Well yeah, he was being a dick. But uh, I didn't exactly dump him. He kind of um, dumped me." Otabek's smile is gone instantly, his previous melancholy crashing back down over him. "Oh. Oh shit. Yura... I'm sorry. Are you okay? What happened."

Yuri really doesn't want to tell Otabek the truth - he's pretty sure it's only going to make this harder for both of them. "It's embarrassing."

Otabek wants to be supportive - he's known Yuri for years, he doubts this would change things between them. "Yuri, I'm pretty sure we passed the point of knowing embarrassingly intimate things about each other a long time ago."

Yuri thinks this is probably different than his childhood blunders. Then again, if he were in Otabek's place, he'd want to know too. "Ugh fine, just fuck. He wanted to have sex and it's not like I didn't, I just didn't like how he was acting about it you know. Like I was a fucking prize in one of his stupid soccer tournaments - just another trophy to win and then put on a shelf and never look at again. I just didn't feel right about it."

Otabek is at a loss for words. He's thrilled of course, because now he knows Yuri wasn't sleeping with JJ. It isn't that he'd care for the other boy any less if he had, but the thought of JJ getting to see Yuri in such an intimate way makes him furious - JJ doesn't deserve to speak to Yuri, let alone make love to him. When he replays the conversation he witnessed at lunch over in his mind, everything takes on a new perspective. Otabek finally realizes that Yuri wasn't blushing because he was embarrassed JJ was talking about their sex life in public, he was upset because JJ was trying to get him to do something he didn't want to, in front of his friends no less.

"He was your first real boyfriend, you're allowed to be sad. He only had his own interest in mind, and that's not right. You should never settle for someone who treats you badly. It's going to hurt, but I know you'll be okay." The words don't come out right - they're too cliche and it's sounds insincere - but he knows Yuri understands.

"Yeah, I will be. It was only a year Beks, I'll live. At least I didn't do something I'd regret." There's a comfortable silence until Yuri has another thought." Thanks, by the way, for uh, you know - well for everything, but especially for what you said last night. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't. It meant a lot to me."

When the enormity of that confession registers, Otabek isn't sure if he should laugh or cry. He can't find the words to describe how he feels - happy, really fucking happy, but also relieved, with a sense of hope and it's all clouded by the anger he feels towards JJ. Mostly he's proud that he was the one who convinced Yuri not to do something he didn't want to - that he was the one that helped Yuri realize it was the wrong choice **.** "I'm glad Yura."

The happiness is short lived though, as a stray thought flashes across his mind. Otabek realizes there is the very real possibility that they'll get back together as most high school couples do, and he knows there's no way he'd be able to survive that. It isn't just that he's in love with Yuri - although he is and seeing JJ touch him makes him sick - but he also loves Yuri and cares deeply for him, and seeing him with someone that hurt him would be too painful.

"But, just so we're clear, I do not like JJ. I have never liked JJ. I tolerated him for your sake, but after the crap he pulled... I just want you to understand that I trust you to make your own decisions, but if you get back together with him, I will punch him square in the fucking face - he won't be any good to you then anyways. So please just, don't. He's going to realize he was a complete idiot and totally fucked up the best thing in his life and come crawling back and I just can't stay around if you let him. I'm sorry."

He expects Yuri to be offended, but he's smiling and for the first time that night he didn't look sad at all. "If you're saying it's you or him Beks, it's a pretty clear choice."

Its been a rough year, but Otabek thinks maybe he didnt lose Yuri after all. He wants to tell Yuri how hard it was to watch him with someone else, but he just got dumped and it feels like a really bad idea to do it now. He needs to be a supportive friend, not try and seduce him when he's vulnerable. If he's going to admit his feelings, he needs to know it wont be pointless - he can't be just a rebound. If they do this, there's no going back and he isn't willing to lose his best friend. He also graduates in six months, and he doesn't want to rush into this just for it all to fall apart when he leaves for college. He knows he should say something to Yuri about his feelings, but the timing just isn't right. For now, he'll wait. Maybe, when he decides on a college and graduates he'll tell him.


	6. Chapter 6

Otabek graduates and leaves for college. Yuri gets his shit together.

This chapter is Yuri-centric and spans a few years in order to maintain the 5+1 formatting.

6.

It's May, and a month before graduation when Otabek finally tells Yuri. They're in Yuri's room, the younger teen is sprawled out on his bed, Lexi curled up on his pillow while Otabek is sitting in his desk chair, reclining back, feet perched up on Yuri's desk. They _were_ doing homework, but the blonde had thrown his calculator against the wall a few minutes before because _fuck math -_ he's going to be a dancer he doesn't need to memorize the quadratic formula - and retreated to his bed instead. Otabek had finally finished up his own work, and they'd settled into a comfortable silence. It should have been hard for them to fall back into their old routines after spending a year more or less apart, but they flowed back towards each other effortlessly, like a river after the dam breaks. Otabek's impending graduation had only fueled the fire, and they found themselves together more often than apart. Mila joined them often, the final member of their family of misfits. It's just so damn easy, sitting in Yuri's room, just like all those times before, doing nothing but listening to each others breathing. It's easy, but it's tense - it should be peaceful and comforting but Otabek can't bring himself to relax. It isn't that he isn't enjoying the silent company because he really is, but there's something he needs to tell Yuri, and he's running out of time.

"Stanford." It's not a sentence, but he thinks it's enough. When he looks over to find Yuri staring back at him blankly, he realizes he might have to elaborate a bit more after all. "I'm going to Stanford - I decided last night. They're giving me some funding, and with grants and a part time job on campus I can make it work. I even found an apartment already - it's small, but it's close to campus and it's owned by some stupid rich Silicon Valley guys that love helping students, so the rent's low. The program is good, and besides, I can't go too far, Ma needs my help with the girls still." He doesn't say anything about the fact it would keep him closer to the blonde, but he doesn't have to either. The thing is, Yuri's been keeping his own secret these past few months.

After the dust had settled, Yuri finally sat down and reflected on his relationship with JJ. The thing was, he didn't love JJ, he loved the idea of being in love. Or, more so, he loved the idea of someone being in love with him, of having someone that was his. Victor may have given way too much information, but that thing about Yuuri being his home, well Yuri realized he wanted that too. And the thing Mila had said about not feeling ready because JJ wouldn't support him was right on the money. JJ was attractive, and he made Yuri feel wanted, but he wasn't enough. Yuri wanted to feel precious, loved, cherished, and when he thought about those feelings it wasn't JJ that had come to mind, it was Otabek. He wasn't completely naive, he knew he'd always found Otabek good looking, and they were definitely more touchy than most teenage guy friends were, but they'd forged a bond in childhood that made those intimate moments seem almost normal. Almost, but not quite. So it wasn't really too jarring of a realization that Yuri's attachment to Otabek had taken on a more romantic direction somewhere along the line.

He was terrified at first, absolutely wrecked at the idea that Otabek would freak out if he knew and run off. But then he started to notice little things, like how Otabek had always been more protective than any best friend really ought to be, or how he'd reacted like a jealous ex every time he caught JJ and him together. So he's pretty sure Otabek feels something more than friendship for him too, and he knows that factored into his decision to stay close. He doesn't say that though - he has to be sure before he confesses anything. "That's great Beks, I'm glad you'll be close. Just don't get all gross and preppy on me okay, that school is full of WASPs and I swear if you come home wearing J Crew I'm burning it off you."

When Otabek finally heads back across the hall to his own room that evening, Yuri is left home alone with only the other Yuuri to keep him company. They've lived together for almost a year now, but despite Yuuri's best efforts, the two have rarely had much one on one time outside of the ballet studio. It's still early though, and it's either more math homework or sitting with Yuuri and the pile of wedding magazines he's currently surrounded by, and that seems like the better option of the two. There's one of venues and one with tuxedos and another that's just decorations, each with colorful tabs and highlighted items - there's a spreadsheet open on his laptop, and the guest list and seating chart are laid out as well. With Victor's schedule and general lack of follow though, the entire planning process has fallen square on Yuuri's shoulders, and despite doing his best to hide it, he's clearly overwhelmed. When an email comes through saying their first choice venue isn't available the weekend they want, Yuuri yells something in Japanese and slams it shut. Wedding planning, Yuri decides, is a shit ton of useless work and money. When he gets married, he's going to elope somewhere bad ass because screw everyone else, it's about him and his groom not his third cousin twice removed from that middle of fucking nowhere Midwest state.

Once Yuuri's had a chance to calm down and get back to work, Yuri flops down beside him, picking up a discarded magazine and opening it to the first tab. There's a set of two signs circled with a note scribbled from Victor saying how "adorable and perfect" these would be on the back of their chairs at the reception. They're simple enough - white with sparkly silver text and a silver ribbon for hanging them - but the text makes Yuri cringe. "Wow seriously, Mr. Right and Mr. Always Right? That's lame, even for you guys." Yuuri just laughs and shrugs, "Yeah well you try telling Victor no about that kind of thing. This is his wedding, I'm just planning it." The teen goes back to flipping through the pages, reading more of Victor's notes in the margins before finding yet another absurd decoration. "What the fuck, do people actually buy this shit?" He points out another sign, this time with the phrase _Love at First Sight_ scrolled elegantly across it. Without missing a beat, Yuuri turns to share his laptop screen, showing the gaudy sign already placed on the couples wish list. "Yes - Victor said it was non-negotiable. I don't even know what he wants to use it for, but he had to have it and at this point, I'm not going to fight him. Love is compromise, Yuri." The blonde scoffs, ready to end the conversation and head back to his room when Katsuki starts talking again. "You know Victor tells everyone it was love at first sight, and maybe it really was for him. But it wasn't for me. I thought he was too forward, too cocky. Honestly if he hadn't been so attractive I would have completely avoided him. But you know what changed?" Yuuri has a soft smile on his face, and there's a mischievous twinkle in his eye that Yuri has a very bad feeling about.

"No, and I don't want to know." Only he sort of kinda really _definitely_ wants to know, because maybe if he can figure out how Yuuri fell for Victor it'll shed some light on his own situation with a certain quiet handsome brilliant kind best friend of his.

"He finally got the hint and stopped pursuing me as a sexual conquest and starting treating me like a friend. Over time, I saw a different side of him, a vulnerable one. One day he found out he didn't match with any of his top choice graduate programs. He came over and cried on my lap for hours. That's when I fell for him - when I saw him at his worst. When I realized that out of everyone in his life, he had come to me, and that if I had been in his place, I would have gone to him too." There's a fond smile on his face and blush on his cheeks. Maybe it's the bottle of wine he's already finished off himself, or maybe it's the emotions from spending an entire day in wedding planning mode, but Yuuri's being open about their relationship in a way he's never been before, and as much as Yuri can't stand when Victor talks about his precious Katsudon, listening to Yuuri talk about Victor isn't so bad.

 _'Sounds a lot like when I didn't get chosen to be the lead in that last show and Otabek came over with piroshki and let me braid his hair...'_

As soon as the thought crosses his mind he banishes it, lashing out at Yuuri for making him think about something so embarrassing. "So you decided you wanted to date him because he blubbered all over you. That's weird and gross Katsudon."

Yuuri's used to these little outbursts, and he brushes it off without a second thought. "I realized I loved him because he was my best friend. I'd dated a lot of men before him, but he was the first person I wanted to hold on to." The truth is, Yuuri isn't just telling Yuri this on a whim - it's obvious the younger boy is struggling with his own feelings and since everyone else in this family can't seem to give him any good advice, Yuuri has decided to take on the responsibility himself. The conversation isn't going exactly how he'd planned for it to, but he thinks he's gotten through to Yuri in some small way if the look on his face is anything to go by.

There's a silence for a few minutes before Yuri looks back at the older man, a question on the tip of his tongue. When he finally gets the words out, it isn't at all what Yuuri had expected him to ask. "But how did you know that you wanted more than just being best friends? Just because you're both gay doesn't mean you had to date. Straight people can be just friends with the opposite sex, why can't gay guys be best friends without wanting more? How do you know it _means_ something more than friendship?"

Yuuri had never really thought about it that way - he'd fallen for Victor already knowing he was interested. Had he not known Victor was gay, he may never have had the courage to pursue him. Then again, he does have another gay friend, so maybe that's more relevant. "Well, my best friend in college was a guy named Phichit. We met at this horrible LGBT mixer and I was so drunk I blacked out and didn't remember a thing, but when I woke up the next morning I was naked in his bed."

Yuri nearly chokes on air because _holy shit_ did Piggy just admit he got black out drunk and slept with a total stranger?

Yuuri realizes his blunder and jumps from the couch, frantically waving his hands in protest "Nothing happened though! He just didn't know where else to take me and I guess I decided to take my clothes off on my own... " This really isn't going the way Yuuri had planned, but he has to try and get it back on track. "Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that even though were both gay, we've never been interested in each other in that way. I know it doesn't help much, but it felt completely different. I love Phichit and I want him to be happy, but I never wanted him in a sexual way. So no, being gay and best friends wasn't the only reason I fell for Victor, but getting to that point of comfort between is what allowed me to accept my attraction to him and feel brave enough to act on it. I knew him well enough to know he'd never hurt me. I guess I needed that security first before I was able to act on my feelings for him."

The room falls silent again, and Yuuri thinks maybe he's messed this whole thing up after all. He moves the laptop back onto his lap and continues on with looking for yet another venue when the blonde finally speaks up again. "How long?"

It takes Yuuri a few moments to decipher the question. "Oh, from when Victor fell in love to when I did? Well I was a freshman and he was in his fourth year when we met . We didn't start dating until my third year, when he'd just started the graduate program."

Yuri's jaw drops - Victor has _never_ waited more than a few weeks for someone to reciprocate interest. Hell, he's never dated someone longer than a few months either, and yet somehow the two are engaged. "He waited two years for you?!"

That coy smile is back, and Yuri thinks that maybe, just maybe, he could see why Victor had fallen for the man next to him. "I guess he did. He never dated anyone during that time and I always felt badly about it, but it was his choice. He said he didn't have eyes for anyone else. Not like I was dating anyone else either though - I couldn't have done that to him knowing he was waiting for me."

Yuri's not sure what to make of that because he's certainly had eyes for a lot of guys and he'd nearly had sex with JJ just a few months before so maybe he didn't fall for Otabek until more recently. But Otabek has never shown interest in anyone, and if he really didn't date because he was already interested in Yuri, then he owes him a huge apology because _fuck_ , that can't have been easy to watch. "I think that maybe I've been doing the same thing. Making someone wait for me to accept my feelings for them. But there's no way he'd wait that long..."

Yuuri's hand comes to rest gently on his shoulder, and for the first time that night he looks him straight in the eyes. There's an unspoken understanding then, an acknowledgement that they're on the same page about Otabek and Yuri's feelings for him. "Trust me Yuri, there is. Victor said he was sure I would come around one day, and I think he would have waited until I did, no matter how long it took. That boy doesn't look at anyone the way he looks at you. It's the same look Victor gives me when he doesn't think I can see."

Yuri's given up being vague at this point - Yuuri already saw through his charade. "So then when do think it changed, you know, for him?"

There's confusion marring the Japanese man's face, but it smooths into understanding quickly enough. "Yuri, when we first moved in we thought you two were secretly dating. Why do you think we were so surprised when Otabek wasn't your date for that dance? I always thought you knew this entire time and just didn't know how to turn him down. What I'm saying, is that I don't think anything has changed - he's looked at you like that the entire time I've been around."

Yuri doesn't move, just lets his head fall into his hands, a slow breathy course escaping his mouth. "Shit." _'How am I always the last to know!'_

He stays like that until Yuuri gives him a pat on the back to pull him from his thoughts. "We're glad to see him back here. He's good for you, you know. You smile more." He doesn't mention Yuri never smiled like that when he was dating JJ, but they both know it's true.

"Yeah. Me too." They move to pick up the magazines and clean the house before calling it a night. Yuri won't ever admit it out loud, but he's glad Victor convinced Yuuri to fall for him, even if he still doesn't understand how.

* * *

The next few weeks are complete and utter torture for Yuri - every second with Otabek has his nerves on edge. He's waiting for a sign, for something that convinces him Otabek is interested in him sexually, anything that proves it's not all in his head. Every light caress, every laugh, every damn time he says his name with that sinful voice He's losing his mind, thoughts spiraling out of control because fuck _does he_ or _doesn't he_ and since _when_ and also _why_? He's sure he's going to completely lose his shit and blurt out his own feelings if something doesn't happen soon. That day finally comes when he finds himself sitting in Alamo square, sharing Otabek's earbuds, lazing around in the sun. He's too warm from the feelings in his chest and the spring sun and Otabek's body beside his and just when he thinks he can't take it anymore, he turns to catch Otabek looking at him like he is the most beautiful fucking thing on Earth. The older teen had blushed and mumbled an apology, but it was too late - Yuri finally got the sign he needed. It was so fucking obvious that he couldn't believe he just then saw it, as if he'd gone his entire life not noticing something as clear as the sun.

Now that he knows the truth, he sees it everywhere: it's there in the way Otabek's voice wavers when he says Yuri's name, the way his fingers graze over his shoulder a few seconds too long, the way his breath hitches when their knees bump. It's always been there, he just never looked for it until recently.

It was there when Otabek chased off that little prick who called him a girl.

It was there when he gave up his favorite of the litter to comfort him.

It was there when he joined him on stage even though he hated it and was awful.

It was there when he threatened JJ.

It was there when he told him to make his own choice.

The truth is that Yuri has always been the most precious thing in Otabek's life, and Otabek has always been his home. He's not sure when that changed to wanting more, but he's convinced they both feel it now. The problem is he knows he doesn't deserve it, the loyalty, the adoration, the enduring commitment to someone as selfish as he is. But maybe one day he'll be able to earn it, and he thinks it's worth waiting for. Mila had made a good point about her and Vlad, and he knows it applies to him too. He's 16, and he has a lot of self growth he needs to do before he jumps into this because this is too damn important to risk it. It would have been easier, he thinks, if Otabek had gone to school farther away, but knowing he'll be just an hour train ride away makes it that much harder not to confess. Harder, but not impossible.

* * *

Graduation comes and goes, and before they know it their summer together is gone and Yuri is helping Otabek move into his new place. It's small - really small - but it's cozy and after they fill it with his things it feels like home in a way that Lilia's place never did. It reminds him of his apartment in the Tenderloin, his mother's place, and he realizes he never wants to leave. When he finally puts away the last box, he turns to find Otabek sprawled out on the too small couch, a pint of Half Baked in one hand and two spoons in the other. Gears of War is already turned on, and their controllers are waiting for them side by side. The scene is so damn domestic, and he realizes he is 100% completely head over heals in love with the man in front of him. He's got a lot of work to do, but he's going to find a way to make this his home in two years too, no matter what the cost.

Yuri starts his Junior year with new purpose - he doesn't have to love math, but he has to do well enough in it to get into Stanford. He also has to decide if he's going to stick with the traditional pieces Lilia's always given him, or train for something different.

They don't see each other as much as he'd like, but they skype and he takes the Caltrain down on Friday nights once a month, staying for the weekend before coming back up on Sunday. He doesn't like that they can't be together, but Otabek is working hard for his goals, and it's only right that Yuri does the same. He joins the theater department's spring production. It's a non-speaking role, but he's happy just to be the main dancer. It doesn't take long for the choreographer to notice his talent, and before long he's asking his opinion on things, eventually giving him entire parts to rework. By opening night his name is listed as Assistant Choreographer, and he thinks that maybe he wants to pursue this instead of classical dance after all. Maybe he and Victor aren't so different after all.

The year goes by fast - he's staying busy with drama club and dance classes, working on getting his grades up while still making time for Mila and his monthly trip to the Peninsula. The summer is a disappointment - Otabek has a job and can't come up much, but Yuri can come down on weekdays too now, so they see each other more. Fall brings the harsh reality of applying for colleges and more AP courses than he can handle, but he's a fighter, and this is just another hurdle. The Stanford application is long - really fucking long - and he's never been a great writer, but Yuuri helps him write it and Victor gives him a reference, so he thinks he has a pretty good shot. He still applies to a few others as safetys, but everyone knows he's only got one goal in mind. He never tells Otabek his plan, but he's pretty sure he isn't going to be shut down when the time comes. He slips up some times - cuddling too close in Otabek's small bed they share during his visits, or that time he kissed his cheek when he was asleep. He's almost even blurted out a confession a few times, but every time he stops short. He's going to be someone Otabek can be proud to be with - an equal partner - but he isn't there quite yet.

* * *

He finds out he got into Stanford the week of Prom. He doesn't tell Otabek, but he calls Mila and screams through the phone, too excited to keep it to himself. It turns out they're both celebrating - Mila got into FIDM and Yuri knows she's going to make it big in fashion one day. They go together, rocking matching purple outfits - Yuri in a tux, Mila in a tight fitting floor length gown - both made by the future stylist herself. In a way it's the culmination of their hard work and their friendship and the ups and downs they've been through together these past few years. Otabek is his home, but Mila is his rock. They're dancing like idiots, spinning around to some awful 80s song when he realizes that there are lots of ways to love someone. He realizes he loves Mila like the older sister he never had, and he knows that despite their paths heading in different directions, she's going to be that friend he doesn't see for years, but picks back up with like they'd spent no time apart at all. They end the night at her place, tired from dancing and laughing and being the fools they are, cuddled up in her bed with too many blankets. He can't help but smile when he thinks about his first dance and the disaster it had been. Tonight is a 180 from that night, and he thinks that there's no one he would have rather spent his last high school dance with.

Otabek's semester ends in May, but Yuri still has three weeks before graduation, three weeks before he's free and able to make his weekend home his permanent one. The more he looks around, the more signs he sees that their cohabitation has already started. His favorite hoodie - the one Otabek got him for his 18th birthday - is thrown over the breakfast stool chair, forgotten since the weather warmed up. His ripped black shirt he wore the first time they went to a club in SF to celebrate said birthday and his status as a legal adult is balled up, shoved into a corner, probably still covered in glitter and sweat and the alcohol he chugged in the back of the cab on the way there.

He makes his way to the bedroom, finding more traces of himself. Hisheadphones - the big over the ear wireless ones that are noise canceling - are placed carefully on his bedside table. They were a Christmas gift from Victor, and while he won't admit it, he cherishes them. A few books Yuuri gave him sit next to them, some finished, others unread - all stacked neatly beside the headphones. A glance into the bathroom shows his presence there too: his toothbrush sits beside Otabek's, black and red, bristles flayed violently in stark contrast to the white and blue one that barely looks touched next to it. He has his own shampoo in the shower because he needs the special kind for his long blonde hair, but he uses Otabek's body wash that smells like pine and musk and _Otabek_. There are hair ties scattered everywhere: on the bathroom sink, on top of the dresser, in between the couch cushions, in the bed. Otabek never let's his hair grow long enough to use them, so they all have to have come from Yuri. In a way, he's embarrassed because he doesn't mean to be a slob, but it's also incredibly endearing that Otabek doesn't throw them out. It's so damn domestic he can't help the smile that creeps across his face.

He's waited two years - he can make it three more weeks.

* * *

Graduation finally arrives, and Yuri can't wait to get the ugly cap and gown off and burn them. Otabek's come up for it despite him telling him not to bother - he has to leave right after to make it back for his night shift at the club he bounces at - but Yuri's thrilled even though he won't say so. He still hasn't told Otabek he got in to Stanford, hasn't told him he's accepted a spot there in the fall. He also hasn't asked about moving in, but worst case he can always slum it in the dorms. He's got a plan and he's going to out it into action in a few days.

He shows up on Tuesday with the remainder of his stuff thrown into the back of Nikolai's old tacoma **.** When Otabek opens the door he's surprised to see him, but even more surprised by the two duffel bags and suit case he's got with him.

"I'm moving in. I start classes in the fall. Theater and Performance Studies." Its a statement - a declaration. Yuri's grown over the past few years, and for the first time it really hits Otabek that he's looking him straight in the eyes now. His height is just one of many signs that this Yuri is different than the one he left in the city - he's got a new conviction, a clear goal in mind. His announcement intends to leave no room for discussion, but Otabek does his best to try anyway. He steps aside, gesturing for Yuri to come in, wordlessly taking his bags and setting them on the too small bed. Yuri's doing his best to hide how tightly wound he is - his nerves are spiking, adrenaline coursing through his veins - but Otabek knows him well enough to see through his mask, so he remains calm, easing them both on to the couch before starting what might be a very difficult conversation.

"Yuri, the apartment is small, we'll be on top of each other all the time. If you'd told me I could have looked for a bigger place with a second bedroom." He knows he couldn't afford it, but he would have at least looked at other options if the blonde had given him a heads up.

"Beks, I love this place. I already have one of the drawers, I just need some space in the closet. Look around, I started moving in as soon as you did. It's been my home for two years, I'm just making it official now." And he definitely has a point - his stuff is _everywhere_.

"Yuri, weekend sleep overs are different than living together. There's one bed and one bathroom, you'll have no personal space." He's trying really hard to hide the hint of excitement he feels at the prospect of living together - he has to think of Yuri first. He can't let him move in without discussing the obvious concerns first.

"Don't need it." There's no hesitation, no doubt in his voice. This Yuri is confident, self assured. He's worked his ass off to get to this point, there is nothing Otabek can say that will convince him living together in this apartment is a bad idea.

The brunette sighs - he really, really wants to let Yuri move in, but he'd never forgive himself if they did this and regretted it. "But Yuri, you need to think about-"

Any thought Otabek had is cut off when Yuri loses his patience. "Believe it or not, I put a lot of thought into this. In fact I've spent the past _**two fucking years**_ thinking about this, so stop trying to change my mind. I'm an adult now, I finally figured out what I want to do with my life, and I'm starting school in the fall. I put everything I had into getting here Otabek, into getting into Stanford so I could be with you again."

The confession catches Otabek off guard - Yuri had been working this entire time to be with _him_. He knows it's not the same way he wants Yuri - it can't be - but just knowing Yuri cared about him that much, even platonically, leaves him breathless. He has to be sure though, he can't let his own selfish desires cloud his judgement. "Yuri you know I'm proud of you for that. And I really am glad you're joining me here. But you might want your space in the future, and you can't have it here. What about looking at other places?"

This is it, his last chance to back out. Yuri is steadfast, finally calm and collected. It's now or never, and he isn't going to put this off anymore "No. I'm moving in with my best friend. I don't need my own room because I'd also like my best friend to be my boyfriend, because apparently I've been in love with him for years and was the only one who didn't know it." He's staring at Otabek, jade eyes sparkling, lips twisted in a half frown half smile, like he doesn't know if he should laugh or cry. Maybe both. Otabek doesn't say anything at first - can't say anything - because _what the fuck_. What the fuck does he mean he's in love with his best friend? Yuri isn't cruel, he wouldn't joke about this, but after all this time, after all their shenanigans, after JJ, after that night at the club, after all their sleepovers, how can Yuri decide  now that he wants more?

Yuri can see the doubt on Otabek's face, the conflict bubbling just below the surface. He doesn't want to let Otabek argue, so he barrels on in his speech. "Also, he's in love with me. We're going to share the bed like we always have, only now we can cuddle and shit without acting like we're only doing it because the bed is small. And we can figure out the bathroom schedule once we get our classes."

"What if you're wrong?" There's anxiety in Otabek's voice, and his mind is screaming that this could be go wrong in at least a hundred different ways, but he really wants to believe Yuri, wants to accept his confession and respond with his own.

"I'm not. I've been wrong about a lot of things in the past. I was wrong about JJ. I was wrong about the way I treated you when I was with him." Yuri looks at the man sitting beside him, and he can't help the butterflies that flutter in his chest, can't resist the urge to turn towards him, to reach out to him. He let's his right hand reach out, settling it carefully down on the other's left shoulder, waiting to be welcomed or rebuffed. But Otabek doesn't move, doesn't give him a yes or a no, just stays silent and still, uncertainty written all over his face. Yuri takes the opportunity to continue, turning until they're facing each other fully, placing his other hand on the opposite shoulder.

"I was wrong about how I felt about you, hell I was wrong about how you felt about me." He can see Otabek's face soften, and they both let out a Shakey breath they didn't realize they been holding in. He moves carefully, giving the brunette time to stop things if he needs to, swinging a leg over slowly before settling on the others lap.

"But this," he's looking straight into the other man's eyes, dark chocolate staring back at emerald green, both sets of pupils blown wide with excitement and arousal and trepidation. Otabek's hands are balled in fists at his side, and Yuri lets go of his shoulders and instead wraps his hands around them, coaxing them to relax, placing them on his own hips. They ghost along the jeans, hovering without making any firm contact. He's still tentative, still not completely convinced this is finally happening. "I know I'm right about this. I love you Otabek, I'm _in love_ with you, okay?"

Any lingering uncertainty is gone in that instance, and Otabek's hands finally land, firm and strong and eager, pulling the man straddling his waist closer. Yuri wraps his arms around his neck, hands playing with the stubble of his undercut. Their foreheads are pressed together, noses touching, lips just centimeters apart. Yuri closes the distance, because where Otabek's always been patient, Yuri's always barreled forward. It's soft, sweet, but there's an urgency behind it and he's pretty sure he's drowning in the waves of love pouring off of Otabek, but he thinks it wouldn't be such a bad way to go.

They finally pull back for air, but the space between them is only inches. It's intimate in a way neither of them have every been with another person before, but it's not uncomfortable - if anything, they both finally feel like they're figured out exactly where they're supposed to be. Otabek wants to tell him that he's in love with him, wants to tell him that he's never been so fucking happy in his entire life. He wants to tell him he's thought about him every fucking day for the last two years they've been apart. He wants tell him he's the most important thing in his life, but he doesn't know the right words. Instead he says, "Okay Yura. Let's go get the rest of your things."

It's okay though, Yuri knows that in Otabek speak it's an "I love you too."

* * *

Like all my fics, this got out of hand and I put way more of myself/my life into it than I had expected to but I hope you enjoyed it.

Lo ❤️


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